2007-06-25 - 11:13 p.m.
aarika, i'm sorry. i missed your wedding because as randi said, i'm a jackass.
although in my defense, i didn't miss it on purpose. i missed it because i forgot the day the wedding was set for. so it's not like i was avoiding it... but i still missed it because i'm an idiot and don't write things down where i can see them like i do at work.
ahhh work... i fucking hate work.
well, that's not fair. i don't hate my job. i don't hate the work. i don't hate working either.
in fact, i love my staff, i love my customers, i love working (i feel validated when we do a good job)... it's just i hate what work has turned me into. my whole life feels like it's consumed by my job. hence missing aarika's wedding. i managed to miss what has so far been the most important day in a good friend's life so far because i'm so consumed by my job.
and not just consumed, but completely over whelmed at times too. (is "over whelmed" one or two words?)
there were times at waldens when i felt like a trained monkey and i thought "is this all i'll ever ammount to? moving books around so that a shelf will look full?" and i'd feel shitty about it. but now, i look back and sometimes i think "geez... those were the days." y'know? back then $7/hour wasn't so bad. working 35 hours a week was a lot. having to wear a collared shirt felt slightly demanding.
now, the $10.50/hour i used to get seems like chump change. i'm working 50+ hour weeks. i have to wear a collared shirt, slacks, a belt, and nice shoes (no sneakers). god damn... the thing that really kills me is the time i put into that place. i did 51 hours last week. i've done 56 a few weeks before that. i'm never there for less than 45 hours a week. that's two whole days of my week practically at work... i go to work, i go shopping (by myself), and i play poker on friday's... that's pretty much my life. i try to fit in my friends when i can here and there, but god damn if this isn't a shitty existence.
again, don't get me wrong. it's not the job i hate, it's what i've become because of it.
before all of this. if i wanted to hang out with friends, it was "when and where, biatches?" now it's "okay, but i can't stay out too late, i have to be at work early to do extra stuff so that i won't get lectured by my boss who's nice but has a way of making me feel like i've really let him down."
do you know how hard it is to meet girls too with this job?
it's been difficult enough for me to meet chicks in the past because of who i am. i'm not the type of guy who goes out clubbing and meets new people and gets phone numbers etc. i'm the kind of guy who would meet a girl and set my sights on her and get to know her and stuff and then move in for the kill. but in order to do that, you need to know people who know other people. right now? i only know people and i already know the people they know, so there's no "other people" for me to meet. but back in the day, i could also combat that with working at the book store. there'd be semi-regular customers who were cute. you get those kinds of people at bookstores, but here at gamestop, it's... uck. it's girls who play video games who're generally not the best looking chicks in the world. i'm not saying all of the girls who shop there for themselves aren't attractive (like randi, she's cute... but then again, she wouldn't go into a gamestop without a male companion knowing all of this ahead of time), but the majority of them are kinda on the... "eh" side. and if they're good looking then they're usually with their boyfriends (or assumed bf's like randi would be). well, either that or they're dumb as rocks and play video games because they're retarded and don't like other forms of entertainment.
but yeah... so to recap what we've covered so far:
i've missed aarika's wedding because i feel over whelmed by my job; which i don't hate by the way.
and then the feeling of being over whelmed has led to me being slightly depressed about how my life is all about my job.
this being depressed has slightly altered my ability to deal with the in-ability to meet girls because of my job.
well, that isn't really how things tie together but they do in my head at this right instance.
another thing that affects my ability to meet girls is the job in general.
do you know how awkward it is trying to explain to a girl that working at gamestop doesn't immediately make me "one of those guys"? that was one of the things i absolutly loved about the bookstore. being labeled as "one of those guys" from a bookstore perspective had a certain air of intellectualness to it. granted i'd be quick to squash it, but jeezus if i don't even have the opportunity to do that with this job. man, a girl finds out that you work at gamestop and they think all you do is spend your off time playing video games and going online and playing World of Warcraft. i don't even fucking play WoW or any online game. infact, i'm completely opposed to online gaming for various reasons: (a)it doesn't allow for people to game together but rather it enables people to be further apart than ever; (b)it allows developers to release incomplete games with the intention of just fixing them through online patches; (c) it's a level of geekiness that i absolutely refuse to allow myself to enter; (d) there's a lack of accountability between gamers too because they no longer have to deal with people being able to beat the shit out of them. but i digress... working for gamestop, it's just really difficult for me to tell girls that i work there... i kinda feel embarssed of where i work. it sucks. i feel like i should just say "i'm in retail management" if anyone asks. that's bad huh? to be too afraid to tell people that i manage my own store.
oh, plus i blame the job for me starting smoking.
but it could also be the reason why i quit.
i told my staff that if we hit 5% subs for three consecutive weeks i'll give up smoking. but if we fall into the bottom 20% of the region, then i'm going to take it up again. a lot of them seem to care, so at least i have that going for me.
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