2009-04-30 - 11:55 p.m.
carlie asked me how it feels to look at my apartment now that i've thrown away so much shit.
i feel... lighter.
i feel like i don't have so much of my past holding me back.
i almost don't have any of my past with me anymore.
i certainly don't have high school holding me back anymore.
i don't have a bottle of goose with alia's hand writting holding me back.
i don't have a decade of old crap in boxes keeping me tied to what i used to be.
i have an opportunity to create an image for myself.
i think purging all of that helped me get over alia too because it kinda gave me something else to focus on. well, that and me falling for carlie once again.
so gay....
i actually get a tingle in my hand thinking about her. i like her, i really do. i want to spend so much time with her, and i know she wants to spend the time with me too. what's so frustrating is that she won't break up with vagina boy. she lets him stick around when she knows he won't do her any good. it's that whole "lover in the snow" feeling.
i wish i could be happy by myself, but i have dependency issues i guess.
oh well. things happen for a reason.
i want to take my vacation. i don't know that i'd do anything good with it, but i think that it'd feel nice to not have to do anything. not that i did anything today at work... $34 by 1pm? hardly really work.... i'm not complaining!
well, i'm not until my store gets closed for being unprofitable.
i don't know when i'll ever be happy, but then again, i think being happy is a curse. happy makes you content. if you're content, you don't challenge yourself to be better. if you don't want to be better, then what's the fucking point of doing anything?
i guess it goes back to that time i asked myself that question, "would i rather be happy or good?"
i'm still not sure i can answer that.
i'll get carlie eventually. not like in a rapist way, but in a romantic, loving way.
either that or she'll tell me no and i'll be forced to move on with my life again.
AGAIN.
....again....
gain?
a gain.
i guess if she does that to me, i'll gain something in my life. i'll be forced to gain strength in myself to deal with something that's going to suck and hurt a lot more than any ex.
i'm sure someone else has already noticed that. don't think that it hasn't been lost on me that i'm totally not original at all.
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