2010-12-29 - 12:45 a.m.
I re-read my last entry which was eight months ago because I wasn't sure where I was in life eight months ago to be honest. A lot has changed for me I guess, but it's like the old cliche "the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Yes I realize that a little bit of everyone dies when people use cliches.
I think I've finally accepted that Chelsey isn't mine. I kinda don't have a choice seeing as how she's like six months pregnant with Daigle's kid. (It'd better be Daigle's because I'm not going to be on the hook for that kid no matter what.) It took me a long time to even acknowledge that it was in there. I refused to say anything about it to either of them for a few months just because it just hurt for me to admit that it was there... again. But I'm fine now. I got lectured by Bre about not being supportive of them. It's going to be a girl and they're going to name it Reily I think. Some of my employees tease me that it's a small acknowledgement of me, and that honestly fucks with my brain just a little which makes me realize I've still got issues about everything, but I'm getting better slowly.
I do have a new gf though... but her name is also Chelsea, just spelled differently. She's a youngin' and she's different than what I normally date. She's not dumb, but she's not smarter than me like I usually feel like I want. She is the sweetest thing though. She makes me feel like I'm the best thing to ever happen to her and that feels really nice seeing as how I think that's what I've been trying to make every gf I've ever had feel. We've been together for about six months now and she's still the sweetest girl I've ever met.
But... Erika's back too. My weakness.... I feel so bad. Erika's not for me and I know it. She's got a bf that if it's the same one as before, they've been together for like two-plus years now. I don't know how to describe it, but it's like my fingers get tingly when I think about her. That's how I know I've got it bad. Some people get butterflies; I feel like I'm going to shoot lasers out of my hands.
When I got out of the shower tonight, I saw I had a missed call from her. The thoughts ranged from maybe she's calling because she needed to talk to someone for something serious to she's probably calling out of her shift on Thursday in about thirty seconds. It turns out she accidentally dialed me. Talk about a let down.
I've been trying to rationalize the relationship we have too. She says she really likes working for me. She also says that I'm too good for this job. And I'm probably making this up in my head, but I think she at least a little bit does like me because of the way we just click.
She's gotta know how I feel about her by now. More or less, everyone of my veteran staffers know. They all tease me about it, but I don't get mad because I know everything they say is true. I know I give her preferential treatment with everything. Girls I like, they're my weakness. Erika is on a level beyond "I like."
Gabe and Renee broke-up after six years together. I'm happy for him because ever since he made the decision to join the Army Guard, it's been rocky for him because she didn't like the decision. I still believe people should do things in their own best interests. If your interests conflict with someone else's then the stronger willed person will prevail and the weaker willed person will have to learn to deal with it. Gabe won and I'm proud of him.
Devin's going to take the next step to persue his dream of becoming famous. He's moving to California early next year. He's already found a place to stay and he's got some money saved up. He's working on his mixtape and he's talked to a few agency's up there too. It's going to be rough, I don't know that he'll make it, but the fact that he's trying makes me proud of him too. I'm really excited for him taking that step to do something he wants to do. He's been talking about it since I first hired him three years ago and he's finally going to do it.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to join the Army next year. I want to do this. Gabe joined and he's happy about his decision. Dan occasionally misses it and he's one of my best friends and I look up to him for doing it among other things. It's something I've wanted to do since I was little until 9/11 and a rebellious streak went through me in high school. I'm older now and I understand the decision way more. If anything, playing video games has made me more cautious about the decision rather than glamorizing it for me. I'm so bad at CoD and Battlefield that it makes me question my ability to survive if it came to real life. But the adventure, the duty, the stories... the Greeks were right. Immortality is borne only though what you do in life as the stories told of you are the only things passed on when you die. I want to do brave things and have people speak of me with reverence whether I live or die because really, what the fuck have I done with my life? I'm a semi-successful 20-something but I'm not going to be revered by people. It's difficult to explain unless you feel exactly the same way too. It's a Jersey thing.
I can't get Erika's smile out of my head. I called her in to work twice this week. Not really by design, I only scheduled her for one shift, but she said she wanted to work more so I promissed I'd call her if more shifts popped up. I got extra payroll on Sunday so that's why she came in then and I sent Gabe home today because he needed to get some sleep (long story). But man, when she works and we talk, it's just... I get gushy. I think my heart really melts a little. She's got this smirk that when she does it to me, I can't help but feel like I'm all in love. And when she does this little pouty face, I just want to giggle because it's so cute. I can't explain it, but she's just perfect in my mind. If she moves back to Hawaii after she's done with school I'd probably go a little crazy just learning to deal with the thought that she's going to be around a little more often. I think part of what keeps things in check for me is knowning that she's leaving eventually. Without that looming, I don't know if I'd be able to deal as well.
I know, I have Chelsea, and I'm happy, but I also think I'm settling too.
Fucking Donna said something to that effect to me and I got kinda mad about that because she made me realize it too. She also told me not to enlist, but that's probably something I knew would happen anyway.
I don't know how to deal with Erika other than to deal with her the same way I dealt with things with Chelsey before she moved in.
I guess Chelsey moving in kinda gives me perspective about Erika too though, because it makes me realize that it's not always going to end up the way you want it to. No sir-fucking-rie.
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