2000-09-13 - 03:04:28
kill me has become my motto.
i swear to god it is becomming my greeting to people. its all i say now days. kill me. please dear lord kill me.
i have so much crap that im gonna spazz. im gonna kill myself with stress. its going to cause me to release deadly toxins in my blood stream which is going to kill me. no. it wont. but i wish it would. i hate life so much right now.
i have so much crap to do... more than i can remember, not that i care to remember it either, but i kinda have to.
lets see:
rifle team
drill team
web team
squad leader
school work
student gov.
peer ed
home comming
theres more that i just cant remember.
i know i have no reason to be complaining, cause people like jenna have a lot of shit too and they handle it a lot better than i do, so i should be looking to her for guidance, but y'know what? im stupid and i cant. im too fucking caught up in my own self pitty that i cant seem to open my eyes to learn.
which brings me to another point.
im so damn tired now. and its not sleepy tired. its emotional tired. my mind is fried, i cant concentrate anymore. i've lost my edge. i need to sleep for days and days to help me cure this shit.
die ryan die.
i cant take it anymore. im gonna lose it.
hell... i already have lost it.
im on the way to a nervous break down.
okay, maybe not that severe.
but its only the begining of school, and im already on the way to saying "fuck it."
im only my old self around girls. i feel so much more comfortable around girls then i do around hw and text books. i wish i were dead cause even if i am around girls, i still cant get beyond possible flirting. if i flirt, i feel even more comfortable. but then i realize, "hey, this is as far as i'll get." and that just kills it. i wont get any farther than that. im a lost cause.
i think im slipping into depression here. this isnt good. esp. seeing as how its only the first weeks of school. ai ya.
i hate peer ed. this is part of my problems. stupid stupid things we have to do. it reminds me of the YMCA. i hate the YMCA. that was what my sister did, so i did something else.
i really hate rotc though. this is where a lot of my problems are comming from. the stupid fucking web team. i swear to god. all the shit i have to do for it. im not even that great on the computer, but everyone in rotc seems to think so. so i got stuck with this job. i hate life. i hate life. i hate life. i hate the internet now. fuck it. its causing so much of my strife. kill me. kill me. kill me.
fuck the internet.
fuck life.
fuck me.
kill me.
die.
death.
sleep.
tired.
emotional distress.
depression.
wheres the hope?
wheres the reason to live?
its no where.
cant see it.
cant find it.
wont find it.
so tired...
ugh...
argh!!!
shit.
i need a chick.
i need a chick dammit!
but i cant find a chick.
and its all my fault.
its all cause im ... no i shouldnt say it here. this is too personal to just let anyone know.
fuck all of you.
kill me.
shit on life.
�
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