2000-09-22 - 02:35:09
i hate living. i really do. nothing works in life. nothing means anything to me. nothing is "worth it."
finally, when i think life is turning for the better, i get completely fucked up.
i thought life was finally improving after a fucking week. i thought it would start to turn around for the better. i thought, "hey. get this. the clouds are moving. the sun is beginning to shine through."
guess what. after school it all comes tumbling down on me.
the fucking AD. the fucking VP. the fucking Assitant AD.
the fucking Counselor. they all conspire against me. oh, did i say God too? no? i didnt? well you know what? hes conspiring against me too. nothing is working in my favor.
i have to miss another fucking match. its all because the fucking VP is a god damned sonnuva bitch and doesnt want me to shot cause she doesnt like the rifle team. no one understands the rifle team. no one cares for the rifle team cause they dont understand it. everything i do is always wrong. nothing i do ever right. everything i want is always too unreasonable. all i want to do is shoot. all i want to do is be in the fucking newspaper. all i want to do is be able to be an active member of the team. what do i get? i get fucking shafted. nothing i want can be granted.
i have to continue coaching. dont get me wrong. i dont mind coaching. but i want to be able to shoot too. i cant even fucking touch the rifles. i can be up at the range, but i can only be there to provide help. i cant even shoot one fucking pellet. nothing i want can be done. its all fucking comming down around me.
nothing is worth it. its all fucked up. i hate life i wish i were dead.
its hard to believe im a peer educator isnt it?
im supposed to be able to help people when im the one who needs the help. but can a fucking shrink help me?
i doubt it.
they dont understand my passions. my loves.
they dont know where im comming from.
they dont know what i care about and how.
nothing is what they know.
they may think they understand me.
but they dont.
no one does.
no one can.
nothing can be there for me.
nothing can be there to help me.
im stuck in a god damned rut.
im dead before i've begun to live.
why is god doing this to me?
why is he being so evil to me?
have i done that much wrong to take away all i live for?
have i done that much wrong to take away all i care for?
have i done that much wrong to take away all i have?
have i done that much wrong to take away my life without taking it away?
why is this happening to me?
why?
is there a reason god?
is there a purpose?
no.
there isnt.
thats what i thought.
i have no purpose to live anymore.
i wish i were dead.
i wish i never existed.
i hate life.
i hate my parents too.
they dont support me when i need it.
they just spite me.
i spite me.
its only cause im alive that i spite myself.
if i werent alive, i wouldnt be angry.
if i werent alive, i'd be happy.
if i weren't alive, we'd all be happier.
i wish i never existed.
i wish i were dead.
but it'll never come true.
im going to live for ever just to spite myself.
cause god is evil and cruel.
hes just keeping me alive to laugh at me.
and to think i thought today was going to be a good day.
hell. it was so much of a fucked up day after school. i came home.
i got into multiple arguments with my parents in a matter of 2 hours.
so i went for a walk.
a long walk.
a long walk that lead to no where and everywhere.
i walked up past my first school. playmate school.
i walked up the hill by the gym at roosevelt.
i walked across the field by roosevelt.
i walked past the side road to go to punchbowl cemetary.
i walked past the graveyard.
i walked all the way up to booth park.
i walked a little farther than booth park.
then i walked home.
why did i walk there?
i walked to calm down.
i walked to cool off.
i walked to clear my mind.
did i?
no.
i didnt.
nothing works.
lifes a bitch.
then when i get home. i take a shower.
then i get into another argument with my parents.
i wish i were dead.
all i do is argue with them.
why do i frickin live?
to spite myself.
i want do kill myself.
so why cant i?
cause im a fucking chicken shit.
kill me someone.
kill me.
stupid fucking life.
fuck it all. fuck it all. fuck it all.
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