2000-09-30 - 04:24:56
oh man...
what the hell have i just done?
i think i just ruined one of my friendships...
what i did? i cant tell you. why i did it? i wish i knew. i can say i was presured into it, but... we all have the right to rationalize.
so, why the hell do i feel compeled to do this every so often? why do i continue to be stupid and fuck over myself when ever i let any one get close? i really am stupid. so stupid. and i didnt even give the other party the ability to react to my actions. i kinda planned it this way too. what i did was wrong. oh so very wrong. i dont know why i did this...
and then, why'd i have to chose to do it in that style. fuck. stupid stupid ryan.
i can still see the shock. i can see the uneasiness. all the memories are right there in my mind's eye. its all still so clear. i can remember it so vividly, its all so disturbing. im afraid of closing my eyes for too long that the image will seep itself into my mind and i will be tormented by the image of it unfolding before me. im scared. i really truly am scared of seeing it all over again. its one of the few times i am scared for real kine. i may joke that im scared of some things, but this... this brings actual terror into my heart. i wish i hadnt done this. not this way. not this time. not at all.
this is like the first regret i've ever had. and i dont like it. it feel so wrong. ever since the 10th grade, i haven't had a regret. i lived my life as i played it. never looking back at anything and wishing i hadnt done this, or hadn't done that. never. and now. one year later, i go and have a regret. i dont like the feeling of it. it just freaks me out.
so why'd i do it?
why did i feel compelled to let it out?
and why did i have to choose to look at the person?
looking at the person just branded that image into my head. it scared me. it still scares me. hell, im not even closing my eyes right now and i can still see it. i can see it, i can feel the same invisible frown spreading across my face. its just not what i want right now.
especially not before my first rifle match competting. i dont need distractions right now. hopefully it will help me keep my mind set and straight. hopefully i will be able to focus only on shooting because i dont want to confront the problem. hopefully is a big word. its full of wishes and wants. most of the time, my wishes and wants dont come true. in fact, not even most of the time, its almost all the time. its in that grey area between the two. damn, i hate life. especially when i get that regretfull feeling.
the whole regretful feeling is new to me. and its really really depressing. well, not depressing, but, it blows my mind. and i really dont like it. its a shock is what it is. a great big shock.
i wonder if writing all this in here is good for it. maybe it's theraputic, but i think it allows me to let some of the emotions i tend to keep stored up out. i dont know if this really is true, but maybe it is.
oh man... im having another flashback. i hate to use that term cause it conjurs up images of vietnam vets., but, its the only thing that i can think of to use.
i remember leaving the room stone faced prepared for the task at hand. i remember trying to get out of there as soon as possible to try and give myself more time when the task needed to be done. i also remember trying to stall time. and i remember hoping that i could do it right. i remember when i first did it. i remember when the person couldn't understand what i was saying. i remember saying it again. i remember the person looking at me funny and then backing away. i remember wondering what have i just done. i remembered seeing the person walk away in a state of shock and disbelief. i remember wishing maybe i shouldnt have done it and hadn't. and then i remember supressing the feelings and hidding them from the other person that was there that was completely oblivious to what had just transpired. and now, i remember the whole sequence of images again. they arent really in a "play" mode, there more like stop action photography. i can see the images one by one. they're not all in sequence. they're not motion pictures. they're all just shots of time. its not like another good image i have in my head. this one is time is frozen and i see only the "highlights" of it. the other one, its a smooth image. one goes into another. this one. all i see is the horror and the shock and the disbelief. nothing is really good in this image.
sure, maybe i got something off my chest. but, its not like i couldnt have held it in much longer. i could've kept the secret for the rest of my life from that person. but nope. i had to say, "okay, i'll tell you by the end of the night." and then when i do something of the sort, i feel obligated to follow through. why must i be like that? why cant i be like the rest of the teenage world and not give a damn about what promises i make. why did i have to say that? why couldnt i have left it up to someone else.
i just realized the more i write, the more i reveal about what happened. i should stop here, but i need to let it out.
i dont know what i just did.
i wish i hadnt done it and ruined a friendship.
why must i always ruin the special things.
nothing i do is ever really right. i hate this.
i just ruined something that was good. something that had everything right. and then i went and bashed it all in. i bashed it in with the proverbial sledge hammer of my words. i know that sounds concited. "ryan, what makes you think that your words are enough to make someone freak out?" i dont know, but im assuming from what little i allowed the person to react. what a penis i am.
i dont know what to do anymore. all i can do is shoot and hope i shoot good to take my mind away from this i have done.
why must i ruin friendships?
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