2000-10-17 - 03:23:50
the stress be building in my life again. im gonna blow.
i cant emphasise this enough. if you aint doin shit, then dont complain. its like blair was saying. dont fucking complain if you aint doin your fucking part to solve it. i cant emphasise it enough. i hate it when people do that. i dont do it. if i gotta gripe w/ something, i try to do something about it. why the fuck do you think i joined student gov. in the first place? out of a sense of duty to the c/o 2002? fuck the class of 2002. y'all are ass holes if you aint doin shit for home coming. i hate all of you who arent and dont have a legitimate excuse. and by legitimate, i mean it better be a fucking good ass excuse. i swear... im gonna freaking blow soon. too much shit to worry about. and i also have to deal w/ those ass holes who only complain! here, let me recite a bit of a saying i love cause it emphasises what i mean by dont complain if you aint doin shit about it.
"It is not the critic that counts. It is not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whos face is marred in sweat and dust and blood; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be among those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." ~ Theodore Roosevelt. for those of you who are less than intelligent (most of you), that means what i have been saying all along. dont bitch if you aint in there doing your part. if you dont like the shirts, get some fucking tie die or something and spaz the shirt out! or fucking dont buy one and shut your stinking trap! dont fucking open your mouth if you aint got something intelligent to say! keep it fucking shut! i mean it too! im gonna freakin bust your face in if you dont track what im sayin! i've fucking had it. frick, even ake is in on the shirt bashing. i was ready to crack him, but i just didnt say anything to the little queer. i just walked away. fuck. i need to break something or something or some shit like that.
fuck. i better get my new CD player soon. i got into a fight over how to order the CD player from ebay w/ my parents. but the order got in, so i better get it.
and god dammit. i better shoot good tomorrow at OIA indiv. champs. i better freakin go to states. if not im gonna be angry. and sad. i might cry. yep, big and bad ol ryan might become like a little school girl and cry. i better not cry. then i'd just be a little faggot girl queer. shit.
angry again. its very bad that i get angry. cause it pisses me off more that i dont have control over my feelings. i hate that.
shit, and tomorrow morning, i gotta go running all around doing shit for shit. gotta give erin her riflery letter from last year, gotta give blair my cammera to take pics of battle of the sexes tomorrow at lunch, gotta talk to kyle about paying for the class shirts which no one likes including me (but i damn well better not hear anyone else bitching about them), and then i also gotta talk to gillia and leo about the fucking web page for rotc. fuck. i dont wanna get married and have kids cause i know that'd be too much work for something im not sure i can love. i hate life.
fuck it all.
fuck it fuck it fuck it.
so tired. i think i'll go for a walk tonite when my parents fall asleep. i need time to think.
lots of time to think.
so much is going on in my life.
im not strong enough to handle it all w/o bitching about it.
a true man can handle w/o the bitching.
a true man doesnt need anyone else to help him w/ his problems.
a true man wouldnt be fucking writting in a god damned diary letting everyone on to his problems hoping that he can let it out.
a true man is not who i am.
i am not a true man.
i am weak.
i am vulnerable.
i am not what i want to be.
i want to someone else.
someone w/o problems.
someone who can get what the want, when they want it, how the want it.
in other words, i want to be spoiled and fucking pampered like you wouldnt believe.
but that'd be too good for me, so fuck it.
fuck life.
�
�
