2001-07-27 - 11:25 p.m.
i should be sleeping right now. i have to go driving in six hours. but i'm too stupid to try to sleep. i doubt i would sleep, but i could at least try.
i saw planet of the apes. if you ask me, the original was probably better. i say probably because i haven't seen the original in its entirety, but from what i've seen, my oppinion seems to be leaning towards it being better. i mean, just the ending alone made it better. i so had my sights set on seeing a modern remake of that final scene, but... it didnt happen. stupid directors/producers. i'd expect more from tim burton. but i must say, the make-up artists did a superb job. absolutely exquisite.
i also got a lot off my chest after the movie. but thats a personal note too personal even for me to express in this diary.
and we didnt play risk tonight. that was good. it was a break from the norm. i dont quite feel so un-stimulated now.
ah, and during the movie, we were sitting next to a guy whom i think had turret syndrome. no offense or anything, but he sounded kinda like the apes too when he grunted due to his condition. oh, and dom and ben were there too with their crew. it was kinda funny.
this diary goes in no continual order.
Jokes of the Entry:
Question: Do you think that Gary Condit's behavior is comparable to Bill Clinton's?
Answer: Close but no cigar.
THE IRISH ENGINEER
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."
SUGGESTED FITNESS REPORT COMMENTS FOR THE LEADERSHIP-CHALLENGED
1. "Since my last report, this Marine has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This Marine is really not so much of a �has been,� but more of a
definite �won't be.�"
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."6. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young Marine has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achievethem."
10. "This Marine is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This Marine should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12. "Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it alltogether."
13."A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16."I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."18. "He would argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
23."A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
24."A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
28. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
34. "Takes him two hours to watch '60 Minutes'."
35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
36. "Has not seen his belt buckle since the 70s."
37. "A Gunnery Sergeant filling a Private's billet and failing miserably."
38. "If stupidity were a brick, he would be the projects."
39. "Creates a crisis management atmosphere and works well in it"
40. "Assign him to the most efficient organization in the Marine Corps; he
will fix it"41. "With a beer belly like his, we should select him for Chief"
42 "Enthusiastically participated in all funeral details"
43. "Once a task has been thoroughly and carefully explained, he can carry
it out with minimal supervision"
44. "This SNCO is so big we had to estimate his body fat percentage"
45. "If he lets his breath out, his belly will hit his socks"
46. "Couldn't lead a drunk to happy hour"
47. "In time of combat, I desire this Marine as a parapet"
48. "Next to useless, he is talentless"
49. "Could be satisfactorily replaced by a brick"
50. "Looks like a bruised pear in a wrinkled set of Charlies"
51. "His picture looks like a bag tied in the middle"
52. "Hasn't seen his belt since 1978"
53. "Hampered by his inability to read, write, and speak"
54. "Fails to live up to the low standards he sets for himself"
55. "I hope they took that picture fast; he could have passed out from
sucking it in"
56. "The GySgt is fat; he was fat years ago, and is still fat today"
Modern Zen for the US Military
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave mealone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flattire.
3. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
5. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.8. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have theirshoes.
11. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.12. Don't squat with your spurs on.
13. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
14. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
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