2002-03-18 - 11:46 p.m.
man, i was so pissed i could cry tonight. i eventually did cry tonight too. me and my mom were arguing about rotc again. it seems that rotc is the root of all my problems. well, rotc and god/my dreams. but, anyway. my parents see it as "why do you want to quit rotc? you've done it for 3� years now, so why stop?" even thought i'm telling them that i've put out all i can give without anything in return. i swear to god, all i get is fucked in the ass by rotc. and not in the good way i like it. fucking sodomizers...
anyway, i came to the conclussion that i will just say fuck this already and if they decided to give me shit then hell with them. fuck, pretty soon i'm just gonna stop going to that class already. just walk home or something. maybe i'll start running tantlus after school just to burn off all my angry energy...
anyway, to cool down i went driving. yeah, i drive to calm down. i ended up driving 40 miles. i just kept driving, stopping, turnning around, driving in the other direction, take a random turn, drive... drive somemore, end up there, drive around and find a way out, drive somewhere else, take another turn, drive, drive, drive, turn around... blah blah blah...
that ended me up with 40 miles. and i didn't excessively speed once. okay, so i was going 65 in some places, but i was in the middle lane and no one was around so it was fine. plus i floored it only twice. once to merge and the other just because i fucking felt like it.
i dont know why driving calms me down. i told my mom that it does because it's just me, the car, and the road, and that may be true, but really, i'm not exactly sure why. maybe it's because i'm concetrating on driving that it takes my mind away from my problems? maybe it's the hum of the engine? maybe it's the sound of the road, radio, and other cars? i dont know... there's something about it that's calming like piss in a toilet.
fuck... i wish i could drive forever without getting lost or running out of gas or anything. too bad they dont make a methane-fueled car. i got enough methane to drive forever. shit, deyson would have 100 octane fuel if they made it methane powered. fucking race gas up his ass.
that rhymed.
just thought i'd point that out.
anyway...
like the ran(di)-meister said in her diary, i picked her up this morning. why? because i wanted the car. why did i want the car? because i enjoy driving. didn't we go over this?
anyway...
in period 1, i looked at kyle's thing for that thing after graduation... his grad party list of people, it seems like he's inviting the whole state minus ben cayetano.
and in period 3, i spent the whole time talking to randi and trevor.
and in period 4, i slept.
and in period 6, i taked to tiffany about me wanting to try weed.
i dont know why i want to try marijuna. i'm not sure if it's because i'm a fucking moron or if it's because i'm just plain 'ol curious. i guess the one thing stopping me is the stigma of being labled a pot-head or something. well, i guess it's better than shooting up, but still... jevon's managed to scare me into thinking that weed can really fuck you up.
but fuck... i'll do it if i do it.
i know some more stuff happened today, but i dont know what it was. i'm still all fucked up from crying earlier tonight. i mean, i can still feel the tears gone by in my eyes. my head hurts from thinking about the stupid pain. i'm not cut out for emotional trauma.
no wonder i want to be a psychologist, i'd get to see people more fucked up than i am. i guess i could do that as a padre or something, but that would me that i'd have to accept god into my life and i still have a vendetta against him.
fuck this already man... i'm going to sleep to dream about driving so i can wake up in a better mood.
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