2002-05-26 - 10:17 p.m.
man... fuck this. fuck everything at all.
fuck all this shit. i'm fucking sick and i haven't been sick in three fucking years almost. okay, maybe 2 or 1� years. but still, i'm almost never sick. no matter what the weathers like or how bad my diet is, i'm almost never sick at all. and now, i go to work for two days and i feel like shit.
case in point. saturday morning, i woke up at about 6:45 and i felt sick. i got to work at about 7:20 and i went to the restrooms 'cause i felt like i was gonna hurl. i just ended up coughing and almost hurling. the rest of the day i thought i was going to pass out. then, i got off work at 3 after feeling like i was going to die all day at work. i go to the prom, it's not so bad... i was talking to hamel and kaneshiro and i told hamel i got the job at times and she goes "oh, dayna! did you hear? ryan got the job at times!" all cheerful and exuberantly...
kaneshiro: "didn't i tell you not to take that job?!?!"
what the fuck? why couldn't i have heard this earlier? god fucking dammit.
and then, at the end of the prom, i threw up a little. so, what'd i do? i sat in the limo and i half-slept all the way back to jen's house where randi drove back to her house. i ended up sleeping at her house on the small small couch while randi slept on the big big couch.
i woke up and called in sick. and then i went back to sleep. later on i tagged along to a key club project where i sat down and scared a little kid who was bugging me.
and then we went back to randi's house where i slept some more.
in short, i slept all day trying to recuperate. i also came to the conclussion that i am not going to continue to work at times. why? because i'm sick. i'm sore. i'm miserable. i can excuse the sore because that's part of my out-of-shapeness. the miserable is iffy... and the sick, thats a big no no. like i said earlier, i'm sick for the first time in 18 months. that's just wrong. fuck working at times. my chronic knee problems are also exacerbated by standing for 7 hours.
i shouldn't be sick this fast.
god dammit. my fucking prom was ruined because of work. who the fuck throws up at their senior fucking prom because of fucking work?
fuck this shit man... i'm jadded right now.
not to mention that my parents are being pricks about all of this too. they act like all i ever wanted to do was quit work. they also act like all i ever do is quit everything. my mom even had the gall to bring up aikido which i stopped taking (not quit) three years ago! three fucking years ago! i stuck that shit out for 7 years! and then, as we all know in rotc that i TRIED MY FUCKING HARDEST to change that. i REALLY didn't want to quit rotc. i went in thinking all i had to do was finish my last year in that program and then i get fucking fucked up the fuckin' ass. it was a really tough decision to quit rotc. i know i made it seem like i was happy, because i WAS happy with it, but if i could've stayed in, i would've.
god dammit... i just finished my senior year and every things gone wrong since then. what the fuck is this shit?
i'm supposed to be living it up. getting fucking high, drunk, piss fucking dead in the gutter. instead i'm bitchy, whiny, and wishing i were piss dead in the gutter with a bullet in the base of my skull so i wouldn't have to feel any more pain.
god dammit... this isn't the ryan i'm supposed to fucking be! fuck!
fuck work already...
it's a good thing tomorrow is memorial day. i can go and shit my brains out...
or hurl them out.
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