2007-07-06 - 1:22 a.m.
man, who'd've (the fuck is that? that ain't no real word...) thought it'd be the damnedest thing to try and make a cd for a recently separated 40-ish mom who listens to linkin park so she can be angry?
i had an idea to try and make the cd full of female artists like nellie mckay, amy weinhouse, nancy sinatara, no doubt (pre-gwen steffani on her own days), and the sounds, but that's all i could really come up with. that isn't enough to make a cd... so i've been throwing in whatever else i could too trying to keep the tempo quick, but so far i've also got the beatles, offspring, the flaming lips, gym class heroes (i'm on the fence about keeping them in there), and i'm so desperately trying to stuff weezer in there too.
the biggest problem with weezer is i'm afraid that their lyrics are too guy-wants-girl which might come off as me trying to send a message to her. granted it might just be my parinoia of being found out taking flight... because part of me does want to... but that's just awkward and i should really stop talking about it in a public/ignored forum.
i'm really no good at these feelings based cd's because i'm so dense i miss out on a lot of the undertone of lyrics. hell, even the overtoned lyrics if that's even a phrase.
plus, despite my nearly 15 gigs of music, i don't know what a lot of it is. well, i do and i don't. it's tough to explain, but if you have to ask you probably wouldn't get it either.
dammit, part of me just wants to make a mix album for her just because i miss doing stuff like that for dhyani.
it's fun to make cd's for people because you can show off what you like and what you think they like in terms of music. not only that but it gives you a reason to listen to music all night long.
one of my crowning achievements in my mind was an album of songs that stretched from A to Z by song title. the biggest dissapointment for me was that i made that cd towards the end of our relationship and i think she just didn't give a shit that i put in the time and effort to make it. it's always going to have a sense of wasted effort attatched to it sentimentally for me.
I really like this song "Do You Realize??" but i'd be so afraid to put it on a cd for donna because it starts off "do you realize you have the most beautiful face in the world." really don't want her to take that the wrong way.
when i really think about it, it's kinda creepy that i want to make a cd for a 40-ish customer in the first place. especially one who's in her situation... but damn is she good looking. plus i think she likes me on a purely customer-sales associate level. that and i think she feels like we can share something in terms of being dumped. from what i gather with donna is that her ex left her because he wasn't in love with her anymore or something. kinda like me i guess.
i think it's easier for me to open up in here right now because it feels like no one reads it aside from aarika.
it kinda feels like that sonic commercial where the guy is talking about how his blog "readers" will be exicited to hear about some shake or something and the person in the car with him says "you mean 'reader'?"
ahhh nevermind...
while i'm opening up emotionally about one ex, i might as well spill my guts about another one...
with randi, i don't know. the break up happened so quickly. i heard she said i "kinda jumped the gun" about it, but at the time i felt justified.
i guess in my mind it was one of those situations of "if you love it, set it free." she'd asked me what i wanted to do with my life and i had no real answer (and i still don't). she told me she wanted to do stuff with her life like travel and go to school abroad and having a bf in another country would hold her back. i'm sure she said more, but that's what i remember. i guess it felt like well, okay... if you don't want to be with me because you feel like i'm holding you back then go ahead and go live your life without me and have no regrets about it. after we broke up, i just didn't look back at randi. a while ago she thanked me for doing that because she said she might've pulled some "i want you back" shit which i think we all agree is usually a bad idea.
but what also added to that situation was i hooked myself on the rebound with dhyani. i guess she was there when i did break up and i was lonely because i hadn't been single for like four years at that point. i didn't know how to be single... so i attatched myself to the nearest person i could. i guess it helped me get past randi sooner rather than later.
only problem was that i don't know that me and dhyani were right for each other either. we had a lot in common. we were great friends. we liked a lot of the same stuff, but differently. we both loved music, but different music; reading, but different books; movies; comics; food... you get the idea. we shared enough in common to think we would make a good match i guess. but in retrospect, she was a terrible gf for me. i don't think she ever really cared as much for me as i did for her. and i think if she really truly thought about it, she would agree. and it kinda hurts me to think about that because i didn't care because i was so desperate to be in a relationship where i felt like someone gave a shit about me.
but i guess it was good for me to come to that realization because i think i'm mentally stronger for it now. i realize i can't just jump head first into those type of things.
well, i think i'm being unfair to dhyani. she probably thought she loved me like i loved her. she told me i was "her first everything" when we broke up (interpret that as you will, i still am). i honestly thought we might end up together forever. i didn't see marriage per se like i did with randi. with randi i thought we'd get married and live together for the rest of our lives. after we broke up, i kinda got jadded on relationships... but with dhyani, i kinda figured "well, things aren't as perfect as they seemed with randi, but these little fights, i guess they're a part of every relationship and it feels like we get closer everytime." i think that made me blind to the fact that the fights were happening in the first place. and everytime we'd promise to try harder to understand each other, but that goes against my number one principle about people: people don't change. i mean, think about it... we can try to change ourselves, and even do a good job about covering something we hate about ourselves, but underneath it all, we're still the same disgusting people we hate inside. tell me that you don't hate it when you procrastinate; so you tell yourself you're going to do something early so you won't be that person. but given enough time, you'll return to that fucker that you hate inside yourself.
and you can do that exercise with anything and anyone.
sorry, lost my chain of thought...
so yeah...
i guess breaking up with randi and dhyani has lead me to where i am now.
i haven't really been single for 5 years now. not since high school have i really been like this. i don't know how to meet girls, where to meet them, how to approach them, how to talk to them, etc.
some people might say "just be yourself" but that's not a good idea because i almost never make a good first impression unless i'm at work when i force the best side of me to come out. i'm like a deodorant. you usually don't like it that much when you first smell it. it's a little too strong or something, but the more you get used to it, the easier it is to deal with it and then you end up liking it. that's what i am... a stick of deodorant.
i can't believe i just compared myself to a stick of deodorant...
but yeah... i think i try to hard when i first meet people. just last night i ended up at D&B with oki, nick, kim, and justin and we met up with kristine and justin (from the other night at dinner with ka young/yeung) and this other girl brandi who i'd never met before. my first instincts were to come off as some jackass guy who was brash and didn't care what people think, which is by far the opposite of who i am. why did i want to do that? because in my mind, those are the cool assholes who chicks dig. but everytime i said something i would look inwards and say "why the fuck am i saying this? it's so terrible... but it's kinda funny too." luckily she figured i was just a sarcastic bastard and didn't care anyway because she was more interested in the other justin. thank god...
there this sense of desperation growing inside of me that i'll never meet a girl i truly like and that i'll just grow old and force myself to settle... kinda like my carreer...
fuck... i made myself depressed a little.
i have this feeling like i'm going to end up like john cusack in high fidelity. only a lot less cool.
it could be because i've been looking at my music all night since i got home from work and i'm listening to the soundtrack too.
wow, i've been writing this journal entry for more than half an hour... and i just don't feel like stopping because i feel like i'll lose something valuable inside of me. this sense of just-get-it-out-there-ness.
i almost feel like i'm too old to go back to school to meet a girl too. i know 22 ain't exactly old, but i'd be in classes that freshman and sophomores are in. i know i joke that those are the kinds of girls i like, and it's half true. but i want a girl who's beyond her party life. i just want a girl who doesn't really like to party. like kristine, i like her. i think she's an attractive girl, and her personality is something i could see myself jiving with, but she's a party girl. well, that and i think justin realy wouldn't like it. and i'm not one to do that to my friends. well, i might because i'm still a pretty amoral asshole, but i'd fight it some.
but there we go again, you always revert back to that terrible-ness inside of you that you try to hide.
and this is absolutly terrible but i don't want to turn into blane. he seems like a guy who tries to hide his relationships and is always around his job. i've heard rumors that he's seeing one of the store managers outside of his district but he tells us that he's single. and by "us" i mean "me." he seems like he's constantly consumed by the job and i feel like i'm partially on my way there. i feel like i can't escape the job. i'm almost always thinking about it.
i'm so scared about it too. i'm constantly reminding myself that i'm not irreplacable. and while i'm sure blane hates it, i feel like i have to keep these concerns to myself. i feel like if i let him know that i feel overwhelmed at times then he might see that as a sign of weakness in me. i know i'm just over reacting and being paranoid, but i think it also makes me stronger in an odd sense. by forcing myself to shoulder the load and reminding myself that i'm not the only option, i keep myself hungry in terms of not letting up and getting comfortable and complacent. i tell my staff periodically that's what makes the great ones (peyton manning) great. guys like peyton, michael jordan, tiger woods, they're never happy with where they are. they're constantly challenging themselves. i might take a day off here and there which is why i'm not as successful as they are, but i feel like i have some of that same mentality.
wow... been writting for an hour now.
i feel like i got a lot off my chest, but i still feel weighed down by my emotions too. i probably just need to find a girlfriend... i'm usually a lot happier when i have one.
that's so depressing... i'm so co-dependent. i rely on other people to be happy with myself.
i really wonder how blane could've said i've got some samurai in me. i guess it's the machismo i feel like i should have. i feel like if somethings wrong i should take care of it on my own and not take the easy way out and let someone else solve the problem for me.
that's one of the things i like about this new girl i'd really like to hire to be my new assistant. she shares that same mentality about that that i do. i might've gone over this before... but yeah, in her mind going to the manager is the easy way out. or in my case, going to the district manager...
i hate that... i let this entry end up being about work. it started off talking about donna and trying to make her a cd... then it moved to dhyani and randi... and now it's about work... it's always about work... fuck... work and swearing and elipses... i wonder how much a therapist would cost. y'know, just someone to talk to who's trained in dealing with this shit. that might be nice...
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