2008-04-20 - 12:34 a.m.
i think i hate rejections so much that i don't even want to ask someone a simple question when i know the answer will be in the negative.
nick was telling me to ask donna to come out with us tonight. i already knew she was going to be with bobby because she didn't tell me what she had planned at all--an instant indicator to me since she knows i think he's a douche bag. but because i already knew that, i didn't want to ask her even though i already knew the answer. it kinda just clicked that it goes to me really really not liking rejection.
this is all becoming really crystal clear to me now for no other reason than it's seemingly happening more often now. i haven't had a girl email me back yet from yahoo! personal and i've sent out two or three of them. seeing dana with her bf hurt a lot... like a lot a lot... and that wasn't even a direct rejection, it was more just a "i don't want to tell you so i'll let you figure it out on your own" one. donna being all fucking stupid with bobby and i know for all she says about how much she loves me and enjoys spending time with me, i know she wants to spend more time with him.
okay, i fucking get it, it's because he can offer her something that i don't. he can make her feel like someone is interested in her and feed her ego. she can play her little games with him and he can play his games with her and despite all the bullshit people say about not wanting to play head games, we all do it because they're fun. with me, all i can offer is friendship and an honest (racially insensitive) opinnion.
as long as i'm being an asshole, i think one of the reasons why i don't like bobby is because he's white and i think a lot of white guys (especially from the mainland) are fucking assholes. they're cocky, arrogant, mother fuckers. that's what bobby is. and yes, i'm looking at the sentance before last and thinking "cocky" and "arrogant" are more or less the same word.
this has nothing to do with me being jealous that donna would rather spend time with someone else. i'd be happy if she were spending her time with someone who i felt would be good for her. but, bobby isn't one of those people. that's why i get so upset over it.
and i know i'm being childish in how i handle it. when she told me that she was having dinner with him tonight but also asked me how my day was going, i didn't do it intentionally, but i didn't respond to her text. i also did nothing to rectify the situation when i did realize it was what i was doing because i felt like it was a good thing for me to do. i don't want to know about her going out with bobby because it'd just piss me off. i'm going to hear about how she had a good time with him, but then i'll also hear about how he ignores her at times and then she feels sad about it. and then i'll get mad at her and rip into her about how if she knows this is going to happen, then why does she let herself get like that. it full on makes me irraz.
switching gears because i feel myself getting aggro (and no, that's not an army of two reference)...
i was helping this one girl, and i thought she's kinda nice looking blah blah blah... she wanted to do a return on a game, but under policy i wasn't supposed to, but being me, i made an exception (and made sure to let her know it was an exception that i was making for her). anyway, as i was taking her information down, i had to ask her for her address. when she told me the street name, i asked "honolulu?" to which she responded "no, waimanalo." damn... deal breaker there for me.
and then it turns out that she's also koji's age and has a bf who's shorter than me, but plays baseball or something. i can't compete with that. i even turned it on for her when she came in another day. i was smiling at her (more like smirking, but that's all you'll get from me unless you make me laugh), maintaining eye contact even when i wasn't speaking, and all those things... fuck, i hate trying to hit on girls... it makes me feel so uncomfortable because i don't want to be one of those guys who seems like an asshole, because even though i am one, i don't want to come off as one. it's all about image for me, and i realize how shallow that is, and i don't care what you think about me. that sentance contradicts itself in so many ways, i don't know what to make of it.
god, this entry is so chain of thought... i enjoy free writing. it's one of the things that i actually enjoy doing.
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