2008-07-16 - 1:58 a.m.
i asked bre if she wanted to do something today since it's my day off. and by today, i mean the real today, not that made up "it's not tomorrow until i go to sleep and wake up so therefore it's still today" bullshit i made up. i actually mean wednesday the 16th.
irregardless...
yeah, i know. that's not really a word. only stupid people and people trying to get on my nerves use that.
which one am i?
i digress...
upon me asking bre if she wanted to do anything, she replied back to me that maybe we could go to lunch, depending on how long it takes her to write a paper. how do i take that? i take that as her eventually saying "sorry, this paper is taking me too long to write. i don't think we can have lunch today." even though i'm already preparing for that answer, i know it's going to suck anyway because that's how i am. i guess it's just the fact that she didn't flat out turn me down that makes me hope.
"you can hope in one hand and shit in the other. which one fills up first?"
i think she is beginning to like me more though. call it a hunch. y'know, nm the texts where she tells me that maybe sarah cock blocking me was meant to be and that i'll meet someother girl who's the right one. nm the text where she tells me that us never going out despite plans only means that it wasn't time for us to go do stuff, as opposed to "not meant to be" like her previous statement. oh, and also nm the fact that amber and donna both think she was referring to herself in that text about another girl coming along.
and then, i also have the feeling that she'll pull away when she begins to feel those emotions intensify. bre told me that she doesn't like to let people into her life because they usually hurt her or leave her. i think she meant it as "i'm telling you this because i don't want you to hurt me, but i'm beginning to feel like i can trust you." i take it as her telling me that when i get close to her, she'll pull away and i'll get hurt first.
i still don't know why i care so much about bre liking me. she doesn't even fit the profile of what i want in a girl.
i want a pretty girl. i want a girl who likes to read. i want a girl who will give as much as she'll take from me. i want a girl who won't take more than she needs from me because i'm the type of guy who wants to give give give. i want a girl who'll give me my space but also want to be with me as much as possible (if that makes any sense). i want a girl who won't talk about other guys to me.
mostly, i want a girl who will love me for me and not someone i try to be for her. i used to do that... i don't think it worked out so well.
on sunday i went to kahala to help prep that store for the DVP (divisional vice president) visit. chelsea was also there and she's everyone's favorite topic of conversation because she's cute and has a following of lame ass kids and shit who are in love with her because she's cute and works in a video game store.
after we finished working, blane took us to zippy's to eat and he sat in-between me and chelsea. thank f'ing god. he spent most of the night asking her about what she looks for in guys and what she found so appealing about her last bf.
apparently her ex was what most of the described as a hobbit. they said he was short, ugly, pale, etc. loserish. she couldn't say what she saw in him, but i totally understood what she felt. sometimes there's just something about someone that even though you know you're better than what they can provide for you, you still have feelings for them.
but because blane spent most of the night talking to her, for the most part, i avoided questioning. which was good because the one time blane did ask me a question that couldn't be defused with a joke, an awkward silence came down on the table. blane went around asking everyone when's the last time they went on a date, my answer was "about six months ago" which i guess is too long of a time. everyone just got really quiet and i felt a little queer because of it. and by "queer" i mean "gay" and by "gay" i mean "i felt really uncomfortable that everyone else thought six months was too long to go w/o a date."
but that's okay because no one really cared because i've been designated as the M.I.L.F. Hunter of the group. i think i made a semi-convincing show that i go after older women with children because they already know how to take care of people and therefore i can just slide right into their lives. and by "slide" i don't mean it in a risque manner... dumbasses.
today, i got a chance to talk to chelsea for a second, and i told her that i understood how she couldn't explain why she liked her ex on sunday night but i didn't want any attention my way because it would've been uncomfortable for me. shit, i was already uncomfortable when the other managers were talking about bre with absolutely nothing to do with me. it's just when they bring her up, i'm afraid someone's going to say "oh yeah, and ryan. what's the fucking deal with you and bre anyway? you guys like eachother or what?" to which i won't know what the fuck to say. "yes? no? i don't really know what the deal is to be honest because i don't know if she's this nice to everyone or if i'm actually doing something right. and yes, i do like her but i don't know how serious i am because she doesn't fit into the first criteria i say when people ask me what i look for in a gf."
yeah, i have anxiety about a lot of stupid shit.
i'm going to bed because i have to get my hair cut tomorrow. yay!
and then get either stood up or turned down. ya... no... wait... boo...
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