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I'm typing this from my blackberry because I feel like I need to say something but I don't feel like turning my computer on. That and I'm a dork.
I don't think I'm ready to date a girl who's my age-ish. Bre didn't taxt or call me today and it's eating me alive inside. I don't know how to deal with a girl who I think likes me not wanting to talk to me everyday. It feels like Dhyani all over again. I really don't appreciate that feeling. I swear, nothing makes me feel shittier than not being wanted.
That's why I can't deal with young girls. It's because they've got so many other things going on in their life: school, partying, friends, other random shit... I don't like being a secondary feature in anyone's life when I'm dating them. Even when I don't feel like the girl is a keeper, I think I still give her everything I have. Does anyone remember that post I did a few months ago about donna making me feel like an ancilary part of her life? I don't want that feeling from my gf.
Speaking of donna...
I've got that feeling od being ancilary from her again. Now rthat her and kevin are all living together now, I don't feel like I can talk to her anymore. She brought kevin to coffee one morning and ...I'm sorry, I just realized I refered to it as an activity, rather than a thing... and I couldn't speak candidly about bre like I wanted to. Its no fault of anyone but me. Kevin's not at fault that he's there because donna wants him there and I definately can't fault either one of them for wanting to be with each other. But I don't even want to call her to talk because she should be spending her time with him and taking care of her shit with her fag of a husband.
My problems are more of a "I'm gay" nature. Not homo-gay, but stupid-gay just incase anyone misinterpreted that.
Seriously though, who has this many problems with a girl he's not even dating? And knows that he can't stand going out with her but still wants to.
I'm such a dumbass, no? I don't know why I want to date bre either. We spent half of sunday together and it was fun, but I wasn't quite sure I felt that spark that I did when I first saw melanie (the girl I got cb'd on). Me and bre just aren't 100% compatible I think. We aren't on the same levels for so many things. The conversations flow, we have a lot in common, but I don't feel that spark from her. I wonder if its the same for her but I don't know. I'd feel really shitty if she did end up really liking me because I know what it feels like to be let down (oddly enough, most recently by bre).
I hate being the way I am where I almost feel like I need to validate myself through relationships and people liking me. Even at work, if one of my employees didn't like me I think I'd have issues with that. I want to be liked by everyone I don't hate. If I hate you, then I don't care what you think, unless I hate you and you don't get it and still like me anyway, then I hate you even more for being a tard.
I'm not even sure why I like melanie. She's kinda pretty, she's an english major(!), and she's feisty. That's about all I know about her. Hardly enough for me to fall for as hard as I have. I don't know that we even have the taste in literature, which is kind of the basis for whether or not I think you're worth my time intellectually. If you like what I like, then you're smart. If you like dan brown and christopher nolan, you're an asshole. BTW, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I hated batman and I think christopher nolan is an overrated director. Great directors understand pacing, nolan thinks pacing means introducing a plot twist every four hours makes a movie. "What? The joker wanted to be captured?" "Huh? The joker planned harvey dent going psycho?" "OMG!!! Greatest movie EVAR!!!" Fuck... whateveas...
Sorry, I'm ranting...
So yeah, bre not calling or texting me all day makes me feel like she wouldn't want to be committed to me as much as I would to her. I'd want to see her everyday, I'd want to spend as much of my freetime with her as possible, I'd want to hear from her in the middle of the day, even if it was just random miscellaneous text's. What I get from her isn't that feeling. Maybe I'm just being a fag though. She's usually the one who sends the first text of the day.
I guess one of the biggest issues for me is that I can't ask her out. It needs to be on her grounds that we do something. It needs to be her asking me, I can't plan to do anything with her, its all reactionary for me. I spend a lot of time waiting around for her and I totally can't stand that. Makes me want to kill myself some times.
Not literally, btw.
Well maybe sorta.
I wish I could meet a nice girl already. Someone I could marry and then be done with all this shit.
Oh, and howard quit starbucks. Sad times. All I'm left with to flirt now is alia (whenever she gets back) and candace who I only do so she thinks I still like her because its dumb like that (that makes no sense at all). I should tell amber about howard...
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