2008-08-07 - 11:58 p.m.
this shit can be theraputic at times. i don't know what it is, maybe it's the spilling of your guts, maybe it's just the rhythmic key strokes when you're typing and the thoughts are flowing. it's almost... hypnotic. you don't even really think about anything because you're just trying to keep the flow going.
who effin' knows?
anyways.........................
so i'm way behind the 8-ball in terms of getting my store visit ready. tomorrow, blane and paul are coming through to run us over with a fucking steamroller to make sure we'll be ready for jason who i hear is notorious for digging and looking for shit to kill people about. okay, maybe that's an overstatement, but he's been known to poke through ceilling tiles. anyway, the past few days, me and daigle have been calling each other like twelve times a day asking for shit from each other's store. i need boxes, he needs shelf-talkers, etc. and that fucker doesn't drive so god i can drive that stretch of kalanianaole with my eyes closed. but whatever because i know he needs help because his store isn't very conducive to buisiness at his volume in addition to having to do all this extra shit to prep for the market vp.
but yeah, some where along the way, i don't know what happened, but i all of a sudden want to date miss panda bowl. i'm not sure where any of this came from, it kinda just mainfested itself from "she's cute" to "why the hell wouldn't she like me?"
i probably shouldn't be concerning myself with any of this because we've got something big happening at work, and i've still got five-months to go before the year's over. and don't forget, i forsaw myself getting fired this year too. if i can make it through next week w/o getting 86'd then i've got maybe two more months before the next big thing happens and i've got another opportunity to lose my job.
but yeah... this is just destroying my confidence. pretty soon it'll be back to alcoholic ryan. i'm so not ready for any of this.
i was text'ing bre today, and she's basically convinced me to ask out panda bowl. but i don't want to because i don't want to get hurt again. i'm not a risk taker. i'm very cautious... i mean chicken shit.
i asked daigle about it tonight. we were standing by my car smoking (yeah, i picked it up again, probably for the next week or so), and just as i'm finishing up my stoge i ask him "between you and me, do i have a chance with chelsea?"
to paraphrase him, it was "probably not." actually he might've used that term somewhere in there too.
anyway, he told me a story about her ex, some guy named bill. apparently she carried him for a year and a half. she paid his rent, she paid for his food, they were living together and she paid for everything. it was a big thing for her. and then he up and moved, giving her like one-week's notice. just left her. since then, she's kinda just sworn off guys for a while. she gets asked out a lot and she always turns them down. i asked daigle what kinda guys did ask her out, and he said there's a bunch of nice guys who do, and apparently him and rio have tried setting her up too and she always says no.
daigle also said that she wants to become an SM so she's destroyed her personal life. she's totally not into dating.
where does this leave me mentally and emotionally? it leaves me thinking: so what? i'm not one of those kinds of guys. i know i'm better than most of the single guys out there. i know i'm not going to pull a bill on her because i'm not going anywhere. i'm not the kinda guy who's going to lean on someone for a free ride. i mean, if she's worried about carrying me financially, that's not going to happen because i'm not moving in with her and she's not moving in with me for two practical reasons: she has a dog and i own this appartment. i'm not going to pay one-grr a month to live somewhere else. eff that noise.
emotionally? it leaves me feeling beat and with absolutely no shot at a comeback. at the end of the conversation, daigle told me to try it because who knows? but that just sounds like he's trying to make me feel better about crushing me. you know that compliment sandwhich bull? put the bad in the middle and end with something positive? it doesn't work for me because i dwell.
on my way back to my store, i called bre. we had a conversation that started off with me calling her an asshole for trying to convince me to ask her out. it wasn't that i meant it, but i just felt like i had to be angry a little because that's how i hide hurt; with anger. bre knew where i was coming from though. she told me that i need to just learn to deal with being worried about this kind of shit and to just take your chances. you never know what you'll miss out on by not trying in the first place.
its that whole wayne gretzky saying "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
but what happens when one of those shots ends up as a pick-six (to mix my sports analogies)? then what? you lose even more confidence. i'm not a gun slinger. i don't know how to deal with turnovers and negative plays.
i mean, there's a reason why i haven't been on a date in more than half-a-year and why i haven't been in a relationship for over a year now. its because i don't want to have to deal with rejection at all.
i wish i didn't have a cheering section sometimes either. having one of those only emboldens you to do stupid shit. fuck, is "emboldens" even a word? i think it is. "embiggens" was the made up word from the simpsons episode about jebbidiah springfield. some shit like that.
i just don't understand it because around chelsea, i can play up that arrogant cocky sob that i think girls like because it's half self-deprecating so it's more goofy than cocky. like last night, i was helping daigle clean up his store while blane and chelsea tinted some cabinets in their store. while i was standing on a rickety ass ladder, i told blane "you probably don't have to worry about me having a heart attack (from all those red bulls) as much as you have to be worried about me falling off this ladder." chelsea said "don't worry, i won't laugh." and so i said "you can bring me a panda bowl while i'm in the hospital." "okay, i'll bring you a panda bowl."
so blane jumps in "if you can get her to bring you a panda bowl, you're going to make a lot of guys jealous."
"that's okay. i'm used to making lots of guys jealous."
god damn, my turrets for genious things to say is never keener than when i'm around people i like.
guh... i guess this is why people kill themselves.
why do people smoke? because it's a dignified way of committing suicide.
i think that was in fight club.
�
�
