2008-08-13 - 10:26 p.m.
i can't believe how i feel right now. i'm actually kinda depressed.
it has nothing and everything to do with the visit.
the visit went amazingly well from what i took away. jason and john came in and right from the start i think had them in my pocket. jason ate up everything i had to say about the svr's, my near impact level of shrink which isn't my fault, the way we had the set up of the store, the challenges we have with our customer experience score, etc. i had the numbers memorized and when i sprouted them out he told me that it sounded like i was extremely comfortable with everything. it ended up being the john show though when jason realized he didn't need to talk to me and they just needed to talk shop about what to do with everything we have in the store.
by the end of the day, when rich called me and asked how it went i summed it up with "i nailed it. i nailed the visit, i nailed jason, i nailed jason's wife, his daughter, john... i nailed them all."
and then... the let down. after spending so much of my time getting ready for it, what else is there now? keeping it up? jeez... that's like... nothing. what else do i have to look forward to? it almost felt too easy. i want things to fix, different things to do.
and then, there's the issue of how do i celebrate? blane's taking us to dinner at morton's tomorrow, but that's kind of a hollow feeling prize. there's the carton of marlboro's he's going to give me, but i don't know if i need to smoke anymore after today. i could ask him for a bottle of goose instead, but i'm afraid to drink right now because i'm feeling so down.
and then there's the fact that it feels like i've got no one to celebrate with. bre had hw and a test, donna had open house for her kids (besides, she's all depressed 'cause the divorce is getting to that crappy ass point), and i even went to kahala to ask chelsea if she wanted to do something, but she was gone.
i can't win. i don't want to win? i like losers? i like coming in second place? i'm just not happy being happy.
maybe i'm just lonely coming home to nothing everyday. the only other living thing in my house is the moldy cheese in my fridge.
i woke up this morning feeling like i had all this shit down. i was so confident, i even text'd the other managers before we opened "we got this shit down guys. see you in the unemployment line." it was meant as a motivational speech with a touch of ryan to keep it loose. no sense in everyone getting tense and unable to function. i even told daigle to breath when i called him to give him a sit-rep on what was going on after i called ala moana. it almost felt like i took on a little bit of leadership in the district for a second.
and then, when it all ended, i kinda stopped caring. it was nice... and then once i left the store for the day, i began to feel sad. a big part of me wants to drink right now, but i know i shouldn't because i'm going to over do it, like i always do when i drink. i'm not sure i can not do it. i even looked at a bottle and thought to myself that i could mix my juice in there and take it with me to work tomorrow. i think i have a problem. i'm not going to drink at work, but god... i'm so worried. i guess i'll keep doing what i do, like i always do. it's just... i wonder if the depression will get worse. i was happier when i was working to the bone. when i was struggling to deal with everything and coming home so tired that i didn't want to turn on my computer. but now, i'm kinda lost without a major thing to accomplish. i mean, what's next for me? maybe this is where i find that hobby. how do you find time for a hobby though? and how do you get started when you're afraid of failure?
i was talking to donna today and she was telling me about how kevin said he knows when it's real with someone else. when you know you like someone from the first time you meet them. and i could agree completely. sometimes you just know that someone is compatible with what you want. melissa, from the first time i saw her i knew in my mind that she was beautiful in every way, and the more i talked to her and found out more about her, the more i liked her. but i'm not what she wants apparently. she likes white boys. that's only 50% of a match. not good enough. dhyani, i knew from the beginning that we weren't meant for each other forever style. and i was right. from the first time i sat down and talked to donna in front of starbucks, i knew she'd be someone i would cherish as a friend forever. with bre, i get the feeling she'd be a good friend, not a best friend though because there's something that's holding it back... i think it's the unfulfilled side of not feeling like committments to being there for me even in dire situations. the falling asleep during text conversations rather than saying "i'm going to sleep" and her having never come to store to help since that first time she came with blane to help me re-do the relay when judah was gone and i did my first stint as an acting-SM. there's been ample opportunity for her to help out, or even offer to help, but it just feels like she hasn't. i don't think she's as committed to helping others as she thinks she is. not that i probably am either, but i'm pretty fucking sure if most people asked me for help, i'd be there. if matsuoka had asked me to come out to his store on one of those nights, i probably would've. if he had been on the way home for me, i probably would've too. daigle and rich are on the way home for me, so i did stop in and help. tired as fucking hell as i was the following days, i still did it and didn't ask for anything in return other than a few supplies which involves zero man-hours from anyone else. i didn't even ask my staff to work extra to help me. what's this all mean to me? i don't fucking know, except that bre just doesn't feel like someone i could look to forever.
and then there's the fact that in my mind i want to settle for her. if she offered to be with me, i would take it in a heartbeat because i want to feel fulfilled. i'm sad like that.
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