2009-02-18 - 2:49 p.m.
this is my first complete weekday off where i have nothing work related really planned and i'm so bored. i want to go to work just because i've got nothing better to do.
so me and alia talked on saturday night (purely coincidental as far as i'm concerned). she wanted to talk to me about being friends but i maintained my stance about not being friends with my ex's. i told her we're either going out or we're nothing at all, which also breaks another one of my rules which is to never date an ex again. well, we were talking on the phone for three hours and eventually we ended up wanting to see each other one more time so i drove out there and we ended up talking for another four hours and went to go grab breakfast (because it was seven in the fucking morning by then). we ended up breaking both of my rules. we're friends/more-than-friends/not-quite-friends-with-benefits. well, as far as i'm concerned we're the last two also. according to alia we're only friends. but what kind of friend asks "how much do you love me?" plus i can't not think of her in my-gf terms.
i'm really pissed about this next thing btw....
yesterday she called me to tell me that her ex sent her a gift card for an iPhone. this is the same ex who sent her a round-trip airfare to go back to alaska for xmas. this mother fuckers dropped more than a g on her in less than four months and she doesn't think that he wants something out of it. i don't trust it. i didn't think she should've accepted the ticket, but she's going back. i told her that i really wouldn't be comfortable with her taking the iPhone and i don't think she should take it either. what do i think she's going to do? i think she's going to take it because i think she's self-centered and when someone tells her not to do something that becomes enough reason for her to do it. that's the immaturity in her showing. if i called her on it, then she'd just get pissed about it because she doesn't like to be called out about her shit either.
one of the things she said to me while we were talking in her parking garage on saturday night/sunday morning was that she treated me shitty. this is it happening again because i know she's going to take the phone despite what i said to her.
i'm a really bad manager because she told me this before work yesterday and i swear to god it affected me all day long. i couldn't focus on my job all day because of it. it's fucking terrible. i mean, i guess i'm okay when customers are in the store and i'm helping them, but once they're gone, i have to constantly remind myself to not stand around and bitch about it.
y'know, no one was really happy that i was back with alia when i told them. carlie straight up called me an idiot. karen said "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me." even donna said that she wasn't good enough for me. plus ka'au, nohea's bf (nohea works with alia), even said that he's not sure anyone can date alia. not a great show of support. even i wasn't sure i wanted this.
i guess my real weakness comes from me just really liking being liked. if a girl likes me and i have even some sort of interest in them, then it becomes like i could get married to this chick. i swear to god, i like being liked that much.
which is odd because if someone hates me then fuck 'em. i also don't mind it when people have no oppinion of me either sometimes too.
i don't know where i was going with that. that was very tangential.
i think my spelling's gotten horrible over the past few words. i'm afraid to find out how bad it is by now. i need to go back to school....
i just had that thought to go to work again. damn....
i know i've talked about it ever since it started, but i'm still very proud of myself that i quit smoking and started running. i'm taking my health fairly serious too. i haven't had a soda in a while, no candy or junk food too.
my mid-february resolution is to be able to run to paradise park and back home (about seven miles). there's some gnarly ass hills to deal with too on that run. right now i'm just trying to break-in my lungs. my legs burn and stuff but i know i can push my legs harder and farther if i need to, especially if i can learn to pace myself. it's my cardio that can't keep up and is slowing me down. i just need to see if i can keep this up over the course of the next ten-and-a-half-months. i hope so, i don't want to die fat.
i've decided i'd like to die doing one of two things. i'd either like to die working or exercising. if i die working, then when the story goes out, it'll be that i died working meaning i had a job and no one can draw a conclussion that i was some kind of bum who didn't do shit. the other one is if i die exercising then people will know that i was dying trying to improve myself and not being happy with who i was and strived to better myself. i want my legacy to look good. it's a helluva lot better than to die with your dick in your hand at home with a porno on loop in the dvd player. shit, you could be the fittest most productive mofo at your job, but if that's the way you die, then your legacy is forever sullied.
i'm fairly morbid, leave me alone.
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