2009-05-11 - 1:08 a.m.
i guess it was karma. kinda like last night's theme of what happens to me is what i let happen to me, what i make happen to me.
i texted gail, alia's mom, happy mothers day (and mind you i did this before i texted my own sister and i completely forgot to text donna--which i feel like absoulte shit about).
it wasn't because i honestly wished her to have a happy mother's day because if i did, i wouldn't have forgotten donna, and i would've texted shana too. it was because i want to fuck with alia's head because i'm pissed at her for not hating me.
but where am i leading to with all of this? while i was at my parent's place eating dinner (and downloading the first season of exosquad from itunes, bitchez!) my mom asked me if i had a girlfriend. i told her no. then she told me to hurry up and get married. she joked it off that she wanted to hurry up and move to seattle (presumably to be a fulltime grandmother now), but she also said that she didn't want to just leave me here and she wanted to make sure i'd have someone who could take care of me.
ugh....
i don't know why i'm letting it bother me so much. i don't know if i'm ready to get married and then do the whole marriage thing of having children, settling down, monogamy (although i don't think that's going to be too much of a thing). i know i've said that it's what i want, and it is. but man, i'm so scared about if it's going to be the right person because i don't think i'd get divorced, i'd just suffer.
i guess it's scarier too because carlie's psychic reading told her she'd get married by the end of the year or something like that too.
carlie wants three kids. i don't even know if i want children.
i don't even know if carlie's the one for me anymore.
i guess this is what i get for being mad at alia for not being mad at me. it's so much easier to break up with someone when they hate you. the feelings are never truly gone, there's always something there that attracted you in the first place which a part of you just absoultely refuses to let go of because you hope that they'll go back to being like they were when you first fell for them.
that's why i can't be friends with my ex's. that's why i avoid them and don't talk to them. that's why i hate that i have to see alia and that she want's to be friends with me even though we're broken up. i'll never truly escape this god dammit.
and i know we're both playing a game with each other. she didn't return my season 1 and my sweater because she wanted me to come back to ask her for it again. and i played my part too. i returned the gifts i gave her because i wanted to try to make a point about it. kinda like how i gave her the book when she first got back even though she was mad at me at that time. i'm playing right into her game because i'm a moron.
there're times when i wish she were still in my life. all these lonely nights at home by myself really suck.
i sit in my apartment (with sweaty shins mind you, so it makes it that much more miserable) with the lights off and i remind myself how lonely i am. it's not that i enjoy being lonely, it's just that i don't want to avoid it.
alia really knew me well... like, she really knew me well.
she could tell i was lonely when it seemed like no one else knew. she knows how to play me so well. thats when we clash though, when i give up too much to her and then she doesn't like me as much. if i could just always keep this much back from her... then it wouldn't be a good relationship. i don't know.
god if you could've seen the look she gave me on saturday when i gave her back the pink box with all the gifts in it. she looked like she loved me again. but maybe she's like that girl that stewie fell in love with at the day care center in family guy where she only likes him if he's giving her cookies. i mean, i already knew that i guess which is why alex still buys her shit.
i want alia all to myself. that's something that'd never happen. ronnie even thinks she'll never get married. that's what i like about ronnie. i can talk to him about everything. from relationship stuff, having kids, smoking buds (even though i don't), everything.
god, if i were someone else who read my diary, i'd hate myself. i don't do shit but bitch in here. i guess this is where i like to let most of it out. i'm tired of talking about it to the guys at work. it feels like i'm just a bitch when i talk about it at work. the past week or so i've been conciously trying to not talk about it at work. and by it i mean everything. i try to not talk about alia or carlie at work. it's not fair to talk about it to gabe or russell or jon or anyone. i hate myself so much sometimes.
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