2009-06-28 - 12:45 a.m.
i hate working with erika because i can't be a good boss unless i'm busy and my only focus is on running my store. if i have time to burn at work, i'm going to burn it enjoying my time with her.
tonight we spent the majority of our shift watching wall-e while i also made fun of two kids whom i doubt i'll ever see again. but god dammit, why did wall-e have to have a love story mixed in? it made me want to gush during all the cute moments and other gay shit (which is funny because while we were watching the movie, i was teasing one of the kids that he was gay).
after we closed, me and erika were talking and one of our running jokes is that i'm lucky she works for me (and conversely i tease her back that she's lucky to have me as a boss). i taught her one of my favorite words last night: "hubris." i know it's not a good word to have associated to oneself, but i carry that word with me as a constant reminder that i'm not perfect, so it's one of my favorite words. anyway, i digress. i told erika she suffers from hubris and she said that it's only around me that she acts that way.
i know she meant it innocently; she only meant it as "i don't act like a cocky jackass around anyone else." but in my mind, it sounded more like "i can be my true self around you." i almost played the it's because i'm a scorpio so i make people comfortable card, but i figured that'd be hard to explain.
we were also talking about when i was interviewing her, she said that one of the things she should've said was "you should hire me because i'm a girl who plays video games and i'm not a dyke." so i brough up that randi wasn't a dyke either, and she responded by asking me "but was she hot?" i said she was cute because well, randi was cute, not hot. erika said "cute isn't enough." i went back at her saying "are you saying you're hot?" she laughed and agreed that she is.
i can't work with her... i almost cracked a couple of times. i almost told her that she compares favorably to randi in all the elements i like. i almost said something about the fact that i'm a scorpio and she's a cancer. i can't be a good objective boss with her. i'm a wimp. i hate being a scorpio sometimes. i'm too emotional about everything. i wish i were detatched more from my emotions. turn everything off. just be a robot.
cancer's are supposed to be almost psychic in their ability to see through other people's acts. do you think she can tell how i feel? i hope so, i hope not. i hate living a lie, especially at work. i hate that i have to censor myself at all. this is why i wish i were just a regular employee again. if i got in trouble, then what would happen to me would be minimized because i just wouldn't care as much. the responsibility is that much lower. everything just means less so i'm more free to do whatever i want to.
god, writing $1300 worth of checks to pay your bills with another $200+ to pay days after your next pay check is painful. it really puts into perspective how precarious my whole financial situation is. i don't know how i'm going to get through these next couple of weeks.
i wish i could just be out with it and ask her out. ask her to do something. watching wall-e in the store is probably as close to a date as i'll ever get to her. running is more of a solo thing for me i've discovered. i can run with other people, but like riflery, it ends up being an individual thing. maybe that's why i gravitated towards riflery in high school and i like running now. they're things that can be done as a social thing, but in the end, emotionally for me they're individual things.
i don't know. puddy thought she liked him. devin thought she liked him. i kinda do get the feeling that she might like me, but at the same time i think it's just me thinking every girl likes me.
you see, that's why "hubris" is one of my favorite words. it keeps me grounded.
i'm torn about tomorrow. i have my inventory tomorrow night. historically, after inventory's the oahu team gets together at the nearest zippy's and we all eat together. well, i shouldn't say "we" because lately i've been skipping out to go be by myself (because i'm anti-social). i don't know if i should go because it's my inventory that we're doing, but at the same time, i want to run tomorrow night. i ran four miles last night and i was kinda unsatisfied with myself over it. i want to run six at least. from costco to aina hina shopping center is six. i'm eager to see if i can do it. i want to do it like you wouldn't believe. it just seems like something i know i can do, but i won't believe i can do it until i actually do it. and then i know if i do that, i'll feel like 10 miles is within reach and i'll have a new goal for myself. i can feel a smile creep across my face when i say "10 miles is within reach." that's my new end of year goal. run to kahala mall from costco which is around 10 miles. i don't care how skinny it makes me because it'll lead to me being able to do a marathon one day. i want to be an ultra-marathon-man one day. well, that's a little ambitious, but at least the 10 mile thing....
i haven't spent time with any of the other managers in a long time. i mean, i sat down with ed outside of my store for a few minutes and we talked business and bullshit for a bit, and i bullshit with matsuoka every once in a while over the phone, but other than that, i don't feel the need to become a part of the team like the rest of them do. i'm happy being anti-social and i make no bones about it. i'm just anti. i feel bad sorta because i think the rest of them think i'm just being a jerk or something or i wonder if they think i think i'm better than them, but honestly it's just, i like being alone and running means a helluva lot more to me. i think every time i've left it was to go running. six (i actually typed "sex" freudian slip??? is that even freud?) miles means a lot to me.
no one understands what running means to me. well, maybe they do, but it still boggles their mind. they think i'm crazy for liking to run. well, mark from b&n gets it because he runs too, but he doesn't count because i don't talk to him often enough (except for every time i go to b&n). i miss running... i decided to take tonight off just in-case i do decide to go running tomorrow night. that's even more reason for me to go running tomorrow! i really feel like i should go eat with them, but god dammit, i want to run!!!!!!
i wish someone understood how i can enjoy running. it's not about the physical side of it, it's more about the mental and emotional side of it. i guess it's hard to make people understand because i can't even explain it to myself. i can't lift weights, but because i run, i understand why people like to lift. i can understand where people get their escape when they lift. i'm not concerned with physical strength like other people. i'm concerned with my ability to push myself psychologically. "one more step... one foot in front of the other... don't be a faggot, ryan... don't you dare poose out..." lifting weights i guess is the same way, but for me running is fresh. what you see changes every step. no breath is the same because your stride might be forced to change with every step and then you throw off your tempo so you have to refind yourself. stop lights and other people on the side walk. just being tired as fuck. once you run somewhere, you can't quit because hell, you have to turn around and come back, might as well run the whole way back so you don't feel like a faggot.
that's why i love running.
running is an escape too. when i run, i can think about what bothers me about erika (the fact that nothing bothers me about her, more or less), but at the same time, it's not really me thinking about her because i've got so many other things to let wander between my ears while i'm running.
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