2009-08-02 - 9:48 p.m.
i realized that gabriel can cheer me up like no one else i know.
i know that sounds gay, but i really don't care because i know what i mean and as long as no one talks about me i don't care what they think about me. it's when people start talking that's what bothers me.
when i left work on saturday night i was downright depressed. it turns out this is erika's final week of working for me. not only that but saturday was the last night i was going to work with her. i thought i was getting over her if not completely over my crush on her. i guess i was wrong at least to a small extent. and the night couldn't have ended without me doing two things that just made it worse for myself....
at the end of the night i was looking at everyone's stats for the month and i commented that she'd only gotten one reservation and no subscriptions for the whole month and so we had a quick conversation on salesmanship. then she said something about how i hired her only to make the store look tidy so i responded that i hired her also because i needed a girl. and then i struck me: we just went full circle because that was a conversation we had on one of our first nights working together; why i hired her. and then, as she was leaving, she was taking the trash out with her and so i was letting her out of the door so i could finish closing and get dressed for my run. so she was holding a box of trash and she turned to me and said something about this being the last time we work together. i was going to leave it at that and be unsentimental and just wave and smile good-bye to her but we ended up standing there kinda awkwardly. she said something about a hug but i didn't quite hear it so i stood there like a doofus and i guess she took it as a sign that i wanted her to give me a hug so she put the box of trash down and gave me a hug good-bye. it wasn't anything special and it didn't feel special or intimate, but it did too. i don't know how to explain it because by nature that sentence doesn't make any fucking sense, but fuck it--it's my diary and i don't need to explain myself.
i felt... empty while i was closing the store. i ran after work too, and it was a really good run that i had, but i also felt kinda spacey while i was running. i was thinking on-and-off about her. i remember getting to one point in the run where i looked at where i was and wondered how i'd gotten there because i didn't remember passing any of the shit i should've ran past, i know i did, but it just didn't click that i'd done it.
so, like always, i got home and just felt kinda... empty.
i guess empty is the word of the entry.
i also woke up feeling really depressed about everything. i was just angry like i get the day after i drink when i'm depressed.
but gabe came in and i couldn't be sad anymore. i wouldn't call him happy go lucky. i'd say that he's glad to be where he is in life. that's something i really appreciate because i know i'm too pissed off a lot of the time to truly appreciate the things i do have which makes me a horrible person.
i'm conciously trying to keep some distance between carlie and myself because i can feel that it's just not going to end well if i don't do that. it's too easy to start liking carlie and i don't want that to happen again because, like i said, it just won't end well. no one else seems to get that either. she doesn't like me like that and it hurts to even think about that. someone who knows me so well and they don't like me. how can someone know me that well and not like me? i know myself that well and i love myself. it's really... irritating. it makes me angry a little. fuckit.
carlie asked me to be her designated driver on thursday night when she went out to go drinking with her cousins. i decided to tag-along because otherwise i'd spend the night at home playing videogames like a faggot (not a lgbt-faggot, but like a loser-faggot). i spent most of the night getting pity conversation from her cousins and stuff because i was kinda just by myself most of the night standing around watching them play games or watching the tv's airing the x-games. i ended up spending most of the time talking to one of her cousins who also used to be a store manager in san diego. i didn't really like her or anything, but i realized that when i don't like a chick, it's easier for me to seem interested. i theorize it's because i'd rather they talk about themselves because that way i dictate the flow of the conversation by asking them questions and only bringing up topics i want to talk about (specifically not me). i mean, if you saw me talking to a chick i didn't really like you'd think we hit it off pretty damn well, whereas if you saw me and erika, you'd see a lot of silence. i'm just not comfortable exposing myself to people i don't want to know who i am. talk about hiding your intentions from everyone.
i found out there was a rumor going on about me and diana too. someone asked me if me and her were dating. boy did me and her put an end to that quickly. i think diana's rage did more to quell that rumor than anything else, but i also started asking around to some of the other people i know and kinda covered my bases by talking to the people that talk to everyone else. again, i control the information by doing the talking. i like diana in a friendly way, but i'm not ever going to want to date her. i need someone who first of all speaks english at least as well as i do. i don't even like accents other than the one i speak with. even then i get annoyed with my own accent. actually, that alone precludes her from even entering the search. she wouldn't even get a response from eharmony from me. once someone says english is a second language for them, nope. that's on my list of can't-stands. infact it (english as a first language) would also be on my must-haves list too; that's how important it is to me.
don't get me wrong i don't dislike talking to diana, but it would just drive me nuts to have that in my other-half. plus, she's not really my type physically. she's taller than me, bigger than me, and i just don't like her body type. she's got bigger hips than i like. i don't like the type of women with a stout-base. i like 'em pettite... like erika, like randi.
just bringing up that name makes me kinda depressed. she's the only one who i know can find someone who is 100% better than me. i know alia will end up without anyone for longer than a few years and along the way, she'll break a few nice guys and i bet she'll end up being with another abusive bf too. i told her as much too because i'm a dick and i want to hurt her because she deserves it. she thought she could use me and abuse me and treat me poorly she thought she knew me, but she didn't know this side of me. she thought she knew, but she's only finding out now. i can see how it makes her sad when she sees me reject her advances at making peace because i know she does it only when she's feeling shitty about herself. no one else understands the pleasure i get from hurting her. they tell me to just hit-it-and-quit-it with her, but it feels better to hurt her feelings and let her try to act tough to me because it makes me feel so good to watch her withdraw within herself. no one gets that.
that feeling leaves me feeling anything but empty.
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