2010-03-25 - 12:41 a.m.
jeez... three months since i've updated this thing. and i don't even know if i'm going to actually click "done!" to submit this.
i'll make it the quick and the dirty just to get this shit off my chest.
1) panda bowl and her bf broke up.
2) panda bowl and me started talking.
3) panda bowl moved in with me.
3a) ...after three days of talking.
4) i fell really hard for her because i'd been waiting for something like this for two years.
5) she tells me i've got no chance because she's still in love.
6) she's still living with me and it sucks waking up some mornings and seeing her, but it also sucks some nights when she doesn't come home and i know where she is and who she's with.
7) no one understands why i haven't kicked her out yet.
8) i don't either.
9) there's still no resolution to this problem because i'm still hung up on her. some days are better than others, but in general, i don't know what it's going to take.
i'm sorta trying now to move on, it's more than i was less than a month ago, but it's not the easiest thing for me to do.
i'm running again, and now i've added push-ups and some core exercises to this so my body actually looks like something other than a seven-year old boy.
i messaged randi on FB. i think that's one of the things that's fucking me up the most. i know i feel horrible about myself when i try to reach into the past. she's the one person who i can't let go of. i hate myself for it.
i guess it's because she's the only one i feel like her life improved after me. i can't compete with what she wants and that hurts.
with panda bowl, i hate it that she wants to be with her ex, but i can take solace in the fact that she's dumb and isn't doing better for herself by ignoring me.
god there's so many things about that stupid chick... (panda bowl, not randi.) i waited two years and now she's so close and i can't have her, not only can i not have her, she won't let me be with her either. it sends a numbing sensation through my body, like what i imagine a mild stroke feels like.
randi... i just miss. i know i'll never live up to what she expects of her significant other. it's why we broke up in the first place. i had no ambition, no direction. i can't imagine i'm any better off now than i was before. yeah, it's a lot of self-pitying right now, but this is one of the only avenues i have left because how the fuck do you talk to someone about this shit? i have a tendency to further understand myself when i talk things out, even if it's too myself.
over the past few months i've done a lot of that. about all sorts of things.
today i actually went out of my way to meet someone. i panicked and couldn't do it on my own, but luckily ed helped break the ice for me. from there i was fine. he introduced me to a girl that transferred into his store and me and mark went to go check her out. she's pretty, but not the prettiest. she's super dorky too, but also has a party-girl in her too.
i'm worried. she's 20 and somewhat reminiscent of dhyani. 20, dorky, and a party-er.
i hate 20-year-old girls... seriously, what the fuck? why do i always end up attracted to the 20-year-old's? i know i've learned my lesson many fucking times over, i also know better. but for fucks sake, even erika's 20!
there's really no reason other than i'm dumb as fucking hell.
i want to join the army and go to fucking afghanistan and fucking kill hajis or something. something more exciting than what i'm doing right now. i don't hate my job. i don't hate my life. i just want something more exciting. it's one of those i'm afraid it's going to be an unfulfilled life if i don't do this.
if you really want a better update of what's going on with my life, including all the details, email me.
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