2012-11-11 - 12:46 a.m.
There have been four girls I think I can reasonably say I've been in love with throughout my life.
#1 - Randi
She was my first love to put it sappily. Less gay would be me saying she was my first serious girlfriend. I'd like to think it was mutual but as time passes and we grow up, I don't know that I'm still that important to her as she was to me, but that's neither here nor there because this is my entry about me reminiscing about people and not me reminiscing about people reminiscing about me because that's a little too meta for me right now (possibly ever).
She was the first person I think I truly pictured myself being married to and living with forever until the day I died. I still remember Oscar asking me "Do you think she's the one?" and when he asked me that I remember thinking about it seriously for the first time and I felt like she was.
Well, we know how that worked out. I wasn't grown up enough for her. That thought hurts especially now seven years later because I think I'm finally mature enough for her. Probably not, but the seven-year-older-me-now is probably old enough for the seven-years-ago her. (I think I got the hyphening correct.)
When we had our last conversation as a couple she asked me what I wanted to do with my life and when I couldn't answer she had her answer. I know she's achieving what she wants. She graduated from college (something I STILL haven't done), she got her law degree, and she's practicing. Meanwhile, I had to lose my job before I found out what I wanted to do, and it was only because by someone else's grace that I got placed her to find this goal too.
I know I loved her because she still influences who I am today. I still think about that question she asked me and it still hurts that I couldn't answer it and I perhaps lost what could have been someone I'd have been able to be with forever.
#2 - Chelsey
I remember sitting with Donna one morning telling her "I'm going to marry that girl one day." I wouldn't say I believed it when I said it; it was more of a joke, but I think I gradually came to believe it over time when I felt like I might have the chance to make it for real.
This one hurts just as much as the others but in a different sort of way. I guess they all hurt differently, but this one has a unique jealous sting to it still.
Maybe it was because I felt like I had a chance to make it happen but then it got taken away from me. Maybe "taken away" isn't the right phrase, but it'll have to do because I'm not sure how else to say it.
I felt like I didn't have a chance?
She dumped me first?
That's probably what it really was anyway.
Shit, I don't even know if I can say she "dumped" me because we weren't really together to begin with. Well, we weren't to her maybe, but to me we were I guess.
Fuck.
When she came to me after her and Daigle broke up, I was optimistic and guarded at the same time. What were the chances that something so perfect would be happening to me? I mean, I guess I made it clear to her that I had a huge crush on her, shit even Daigle knew because I've all told you the story about it, but still she came to me. Maybe it was all a plan to use me from the start too. I don't know. I. Don't. Know. Maybe that's why this one hurts differently too because I don't know if I got used the whole time too so it feels like there's some kind of extra hurt there too.
But yeah, like I said, the caution kinda went out the window really quickly. I just wanted to tell the world how lucky I was by then but I couldn't because no one was supposed to know she was living with me and I was happy to live in the lie because I was still getting my chance to be living the dream. Shiet, maybe that's what it was all along anyway. I won't get into if dreams are lies because that's kinda gay too but I'm seeing a parallel there right now.
If anything, she killed that feeling of blind love pretty quickly once things started to unravel for me. She wasn't home anymore but her shit still was. Her car wasn't here but the stall was still empty for her. I talked to her more on the phone at work than I did in person. I remember when it officially ended. I spent the rest of the day crying. That sucked. I felt like such a fag.
I realized I'm using a lot of homophobic hate language. There's no excuse for it other than this is more like an internal dialogue and I can say I hope no one's offended but it won't change anything. I feel like I should try to defend myself but what's the point because it's still hurtful language and here I am trying to create sympathy for myself when I'm being unsympathetic to people too so I'll just accept that I'm a terrible person for right now because this is for me and not you.
She told me "We're going to try again." I think I started crying right there. I know I told her "you'll know how I'll always feel about you and that I'll always love you." I reached out and touched her arm which was up because she had her hand behind her head. She wasn't really looking at me because it was a really uncomfortable moment I imagine for her. We'd already discussed that she was already back with him anyway and that I was already the loser so I don't know why I felt so shocked or hurt still. Maybe it was the finality that I was getting dumped (again, I'm probably using this term one-way here).
What I think is still twisting the knife for me is that I know they're getting married eventually. I've also sorta been around for both babies (fuck facebook). Riley and James Shigeo (which is my middle name, god dammit) could have been mine. I could've been the father of those two kids. I'm glad I'm not the father because I don't want kids, but jesus fucking christ I could have been tied to her and we could've been happy together too but I just was never given the chance because there was someone better earlier.
Fuck that hurts to write.
Captain Caveman at KSK says it has to be the right person at the right time. This time I was neither to her. At least with Randi I can think to myself we could've been the right person at a different time (seven years later) but I can live with never knowing. With Chelsey, I know, deffinitively, I wasn't the right person and my timing was all fucked up so I never stood a chance.
#3 - Chelsea
This one is complicated because I don't know if I need to retract my previous sentiment that we wouldn't always be right for each other. I think about how I feel about her now and I realize that she was someone who I was comfortable being myself to. She saw the emotional side of me that was soft. It's not a side that I let a lot of people see because it's a shitty feeling of letting yourself be vulnerable to someone, but she accepted that side of me and it was comforting.
Maybe that was the problem though. We both played that role for each other which is why we could be best friends too, but we weren't ready to be in a relationship too because she was too young. I always forgot that she was five years younger than me.
It feels worse right now too because I don't feel like we're best friends anymore either. I feel like I've lost one of my best friends. I also think she's blaming me for stuff right now. She's blaming me that her mom won't trust her to have a bf now because she did shitty in school when she was with me. I think she's also (at least subconciously) enjoying letting me know that she has a new bestie that she's fucking too even if he doesn't love her back because it's like sticking it to me that I dumped her and I can't have her back in any capacity now.
I might be making that up, but I wouldn't put it past a girl to do that shit either. I don't know that I'd really blame her either because it's not like I'm a fucking saint about things either. I'll just take my medicing quietly and shut the fuck up and let this bridge burn itself out I guess.
Fuck it, y'know? Life's too long to drag the suffering out when you can find some other shit to hate yourself for, right? That's the saying right? No? Yeah, I know I fucked it up but I think it works this way too.
#4 - Erika
This one is complicated because it's never been consumated in any format except for in my head and everyone that knows about it thinks I'm fucking crazy.
Shiet, I know it's stupid too but this is the gay part of me that I'm willing to admit is there so you can all go fuck yourselves for being unwilling to admit that you've all done this in your head too and you're either too afraid of yourself or you're too naive to realize what's going on in your own fucking brain.
I don't know that there's anyone else who's ever made me feel like I could do so much more with my life than her. Fuck, I haven't seen her since, like, January and I still get tingly in my hands thinking about her. I haven't texted her since I got fired and then started my new job, and that was already four months ago. I know I'm never going to hear from her unless I initiate the conversation and that I'm probably never going to see her ever again because that's just how our paths will never intersect.
I mean, you want to talk about "On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning" that's totally how I feel about Erika. She's perfect for me but there's no way to explain it. When I say that I don't necessarily know that it's true, but neither did that guy in the story. But somehow he just knew it anyway, and that's how I feel too I guess. Not "I guess," but "I know." She beautiful to me, but apparently not to my friends, just like the girl in the story. And I don't know, but it feels like we connected when we did spend those hours together working. It was never anything serious but I just fucking feel it that I was more than just a boss to her. She could be natural, herself, to me, which she said she couldn't always be around other people, which was strange because honestly we barely knew each other. And I felt better about myself with her too. I felt like I wanted to stand taller and I felt more confident about who I was with her even though nothing changed other than the company I was with.
Of course I could all be making this shit up in my head to make the pieces fit and seeing things that I want to see because I want to feel like there's still someone out there for me. It wouldn't be the first time I've done (and I doubt it'll be the last either).
But fuck! If I could just have the chance to find out. And it'll never happen because she's not going to come back home. She's not going to come to me because even though there was a small connection between us, I don't think she's the type to act on those things. Plus, I don't know if I have the guts to either. No, I'm sure I'd find some way to fumble my way into asking her out if I ever found out she was home and single, but that would require me finding out those two things first.
I guess she's a past life at this point for me. I should probably close up that box and put it with the rest of my life from my gamestop days.
Fuck this bullshit man.
--
I think what makes me feel worse right now is that I'm finding out just how difficult it is to meet people now that I'm older. There's no more forced socialization like there was in school, I don't shop anywhere on a consistant basis to get to know girls anymore either (because I'm fucking poor right now). And online dating is fucking bullshit because all the girls are fucking stuck up about me not having a fucking college degree. Jesus. Fucking, Crist-on-a-stick. I think the fact that I was able to write a coherent description of myself is proof enough that we can have a god damn conversation over a cup of fucking coffee if you'd just give me a fucking chance, right? Maybe you should stop being a stupid ass cunty-cunt and give people a shot or maybe that's why you're so god damn afraid you're going to be a fucking old-maid you stupid whores.
There's a lot of pent up anger at that idea for me right now if you haven't noticed.
And then there's also the fact that I realize I'm not traditionally attractive either. I'm not tall (or dark, or handsome). I'm not a muscular guy either. I'm scrawny but I don't feel like I'm wimpy. I feel like I dress reasonably well (at least by Hawaii standards). I just don't fucking get why I can't put it all together and get a date with other people who are just as fucking hopeless as me. I understand having standards is one thing but jesus, is a college degree really all that I'm lacking? If I got that would I be that much more appealing? Fuck me with a fucking broom handle.
--
I think that was something I liked about Erika, she didn't come off like I was a piece of shit just because I didn't have a degree. In fact she felt like I was better qualified at stuff than some people who had theirs (including her). She told me that my experience was what she wanted for herself. http://youtu.be/Af1OxkFOK18
I miss Erika.
I can't explain it anymore.
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