2012-12-31 - 10:31 p.m.
This new years sucks. I just want to fall asleep so I can wake up and go running again.
I keep thinking back to how Chelsea blames me for her new years sucking last year because we broke up just after Christmas and it makes me feel terrible. I never really wanted to hurt her or make her sad, I just knew I had to move on with my life. I guess I've still got issues about that but since we don't talk they'll never get resolved on my side I guess. Fuck it, reap what you sow.
I know I touched on this already, but I run a lot now. I like running because it's rhythmic. Even if a doubt or something shitty creeps into my mind, my feet and lungs keep moving along at the same pace and soon enough my mind wanders to something else. It's kinda like the smart guys in Harrison Bergeron who have their thoughts scambled before they can form something overly intelligent. Jesus, I enjoy running because it keeps me stupid. I don't think I'm taking that correctly, but you know, whatever right? Besides, it makes me skinny.
I don't really have a purpose for writting right now other than to occupy my mind because I can't sleep. I just need to distract myself from the stupid shit going on in my brain that's leading me to feel sorry for myself. I don't like projecting this on other people because then I get defensive with myself where I try to talk myself back up that I'm not really a loser who feels sorry for himself so I don't know that I'm really solving anything.
Shana tried making me feel better the last time we talked. She told me stuff like "you're a good guy, ryan" and all that other fluffy feel good stuff, but I don't know what any of that means. So what if I'm a nice guy? Who does that help? It just means that I get to play designated driver for girls who'll won't sleep with me (again/ever) let alone date me. It means I'll be there for them to talk to about one thing or another but fucking friend zone. That last sentence might not make much sense but that's only because it kinda just stopped midway in my head and went off in another direction. I'm very stream of conciousness when I write in here because fuck you this is for me.
God I just wish this night could be done with. I just want to wake up and hit the fucking road. I feel so much better when I'm too tired to think about dumb sad shit. It's not even really sad stuff, it's just bitch stuff.
Maybe I need these nights where I just hate myself and think about jumping over my balcony. I try not to let myself get this way when I'm with people because then I'd be a fucking drag and fuck that if I give people a reason to hate me. I've got few enough friends, I don't need to turn the rest of them away with me being a loser 24/7-365. A night where I'm allowed to feel like a faggot while I'm alone at least means I'm not forcing anyone else to deal with it.
It's also probably a good thing I don't drink anymore since I know it'll just make these moods worse. Fuck, I miss alcohol though. I also miss nicotine. Jesus, smoking feels so cool. I don't care, smoking is cool, dipping is fucking even more awesome. I hate not having some stupid vice. My vice is jogging because I'm too much of a pussy to do drugs.
But it's not even like good exercising that I do because I still look like a bitch. I'm skinny is all I've got going for me. Even though my legs are getting stronger it's not like I show them off because I wear jeans every where. About the only semi-impressive thing about me is that my forearms don't hardly have any fat on them so they look stronger/bigger/vein-ier than they really are.
I don't know how to snap out of these stupid moods on my own. I guess this is why people have vices. That's the shitty thing about having a vice, it's so easy to over do it and make things worse. I remember when my knee was sore last year and I couldn't run, it put me into even more of a foul mood. I hated that feeling of being broken. I'm trying hard not to let that happen to me again since I know I'm running way more than is probably smart. I can already feel my same knee kinda getting a little sore and my feet too. Plus I know I'm going to start feeling the fatigue set in because I'm running in the morning, but I honestly don't know how to stop wanting to run so much. It's kinda the only thing I do. It's as close to a hobby as I have. Fucking Legos gotta be so god damn expensive.
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