2013-02-06 - 9:16 p.m.
I'm not sure why I did it but I started listening to Weezer again. It's never really a good thing when I start listening to their old stuff, which is stuff I feel like I grew up on, which is actually debatable because it was more like my late teens early 20's that I was listening to them which isn't really "growing-up-on" when most people talk about that period in their lives, y'know? I totally forgot where I was going with that sentence. Anyway, yeah, Weezer. Maybe it was that Cracked article I read that said how Rivers Cuomo hates Pinkerton that reminded me that I loved Pinkerton (and the blue album and the green album).
But yeah, when I listen to Weezer it makes me sad to be completely honest. And it's not for any good reason that I wanted to listen to sad music. I don't even know that the things they sing about are totally relatable for me too but I guess I kinda just empathaize with the music and it has that effect on me; which feels retarded.
This is why I like listening to rap music most of the time. And not necessarily that deep emotional stuff always but that stupid innane shit like "Rack City" and my all time favorite "Still Fly" and even "Bad Boy for Life."
Like I said, it's vapid and dumb and I love it.
I guess music doesn't always need to speak to you on an emotional level and explain things for you, some times you really can just enjoy it for the fun of it, fuck whatever the critics say. It's like Transformers, it's probably a terrible movie and jesus christ if there isn't anything intelligent in it but man, popcorn flicks are great y'know? FUCK YOU NAVY SEALS WAS SO GOOD. DON'T TELL ME CHARLIE SHEEN AND MICHAEL BIEHN AND BILL PAXTON WEREN'T GREAT IN THAT MOVIE.
Anyway, what might really be making me feel stuff and all those icky feelings things again are that I'm a dumbass and have them feelings for Carlie again. I don't remember if I've even brought them up here yet. But yeah, me and Car have been talking again for like a month-ish now and we hang out a few times a week because we just do. It's easy I guess because we live on the same street and the friendship is so easy between us because we get each other and can be brutally honest with each other. Plus we enjoy just sitting and talking.
I've always had something for her, I know that because it's been the same since high school. Even when we stopped talking I knew she meant something to me which is why I eventually appologized. I didn't appologize thinking I'd have a crush on her again. Shit, I had hoped that I wouldn't because she's always rejected me and I didn't want that feeling again. I honestly just wanted a best friend again because Chelsea decided to replace me.
But yeah, Carlie has kinda just eased her way back into my heart I guess (as gay as that sounds). I'm afraid to tell her because I think I know what she'll say. She'll tell me that I don't really like her, it's just that I'm lonely and she seems like a good fit because blah blah blah. I'll be honest I worried that that was the truth of it too, but I don't think so. I don't know what's telling me that's not the case, but when you know, you know, y'know? I also think she'll tell me "no" regardless because I don't know that I fit what she wants either. I'm not the handsomest guy she can be with. If she were to be with me I think she'd have to settle and I don't know if she's ready to do that yet. When I say "settle" I don't mean it like "I'm settling for something less than ideal," I mean it like "she's settling for a different set of criteria that she want's in a life partner rather than a hot 20's thing." I think that's part of growing up too, when you realize not everyone you bang has to be a 6 or a 7. I know that caught the zero of you reading off guard but if you knew me and what I usually hook up with (and by "usually" I mean when I get incredibly lucky) a six or a seven is my concept of high standards.
So yeah, Carlie probably isn't ready to realize that I'd be a good choice. I honestly think we'd be a good couple though. Maybe that's my downfall. We were talking about this where I start making up things in my head about how things will be and then I let that run wild and I end up with expectations and that's what makes me sadder when things don't work out. How the fuck am I coming up with two expectations? I mean, I know that it's playing out this way but it seems dumb, right? I have the expectation that she'll reject me but at the same time I have the expectation that we'd be good together. That seems dumb.
Ughhhhhhhh.
I don't know. Maybe she does kind of have feelings for me. I think most people would think so if they were on the outside looking in. We get along so easily. We playfully bicker when we eat dinner with company. She asked me to go to the Punahou Carnival with her. I was her go to for "we're single on valentines day." When she had a movie night with her sister and her coworker she invited me (it felt like a girls night though so maybe that might be a negative, but her coworker brought her son so maybe only half a negative). I loaned her Reservoir Dogs but she said that maybe I should watch it with her. I don't know. I'm sure if someone who didn't know us better saw it they'd think we were kind of a couple at least. Shit, I'll be honest, I kind of play it up that we sorta are too because it just feels good to have people think it, lest they think I'm some kinda loser or something who's whipped for a girl that isn't his. I kinda am to be honest though. She is always willing to bring me stuff when I'm sick though. She bought me food for my appartment since I'm home sick. That might be friendship though. She let me get away with telling the lady at Cinnamon Girl that she was my girlfriend when I was picking out the dress for her and then when we exchanged what I got her too. I wonder if (I know I am) I'm over thinking it too. Some part of me wants to just say fuckit and ask her anyway because it sucks not trying too but then I risk making the friendship awkward too.
I'm sure I'll bungle along and do something stupid eventually. Either that or she'll hook up with another dude and I'll talk my way out of this friendship too because I always get jealous. I'm terrible like that. Does that make me a shitty friend? Maybe this is why I have so few female friends. Idk. I'm kinda a piece of trash sometimes I can honestly admit that. But my heart is in the right place most of the time. Even when I'm being a shitty dude as weird as that sounds. I give honest council, just not in the most helpful way said. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. She's got me all confused because I feel like a shitty dude for liking her I guess. I'll figure this out later.
Writing can be cathartic at times even when you don't figure shit out. I'm not sure this has been one of those times.
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